Four Year Anniversary

Four fricking years. My god.

I remember him. His loss colors so much of my world. I'm so happy where I'm at now, but I often wonder - would I be even happier? Is it possible to miss him more than anything and wish it hadn't happened, since if it hadn't, chance are I wouldn't have my two rainbow girls? I wouldn't take them back for the world, but I would also give the world to have him back. I just want all three of my babies together. I want the girls to have their big brother. I want to have my little boy. 

It's not a fresh pain. It's not an open wound. It's a rarely seen scar. It's a lingering thought, a shadow out of the corner of my eye, an unexpected reminder when I least expect it. 

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that this happened to me and that it's my life that played out in the pages of this blog; that it's me who has a little wooden box in the closet that contains all of a life not lived. 

That's all. 

How Do I Lose Thee?

I just read a fantastic piece over at "Hang Your Hopes from Trees." Even after two rainbow babies, it still resonates.

Just a snippet is below - I highly recommend going over for the full post.

How Do I Lose Thee? Let Me Count the Ways

"When we ‘lose the baby’, what do we really lose?

We lose hope. Hope for the future, for a child in our arms.

We lose plans. Plans for a life, for a family, for happiness.

We lose faith. As our bodies seems to fail us, we lose the most faith in ourselves.

We lose security. We lose a sense of trust that things will be okay. That blissful ignorance that it won’t happen to me. We lose innocence. What happens if we try again? We risk losing a connection, a happiness, excitement. We risk losing all these things we deserve..."

(source: http://hangyourhopesfromtrees.wordpress.com/2013/09/28/how-do-i-lose-thee-let-me-count-the-ways/)