And time goes on. And so does procreating, apparently.

As some of you guessed, the reason I stopped blogging over here so often was because I'm pregnant again. We're due July 11 and I'll be 13 weeks on Monday.  I didn't post anything here because there are family and friends who read this blog, and I wasn't out yet. Well, as much as I'd like to keep it completely secret from EVERYONE until I'm actually given a real, live baby to take home, we made the announcement to family and friends over Christmas and New Year's.  I also didn't post because when I was deep in the throes of grief, it seemed like every time I found a new loss blog to follow and fall in love with, the writer found out she was pregnant. Which was great for her, but holy shit painful for me.  I was SO not there yet...so there were a lot of blogs that I followed and then immediately unfollowed.  Well, now I'm one of those writers. I won't be writing about my new pregnancy on this blog - this is Caleb's blog - but if you are so inclined you can follow the progress of this little one at Baby H, Take Two.  Some day I might make a new blog and combine them all into one epic site, but...well, let's be real. I won't. Far too lazy for that.

Anyway, I hope that I haven't caused anyone too much pain by posting this, and maybe (just maybe) even provided someone suffering a loss a little bit of hope.  This will be the only post about a current pregnancy here, I promise.

Fingers crossed our 2011 baby has a better outcome than our 2010 did.

Don't get me wrong.

"You need to get over it."
"People are going to have babies...boy babies...you can't let it make you sad."
"Don't let it bother you."
"Can't you just be happy for them?"
"You'll have one too someday."
"Focus on the positive!"

Look, I know. I get it. The world doesn't stop procreating and people don't stop having boys because of what I went through. I'm not going to lie to you; if there was a button I could push to make that happen until I caught up, I totally would. Selfish? Sure. Self-preservation? Absolutely.

You can't force yourself to feel something other than what you do. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them. I'm glad they are living the dream. I know that they were really looking forward to having kids - and lucky them, they got pregnant right away and have thus far had a perfect pregnancy.* I wish nothing more for them than a screaming, healthy baby in 20 weeks. I'm glad they didn't have to suffer infertility or miscarriages to get where they are.

But.

BUT.

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean I'll ever be able to look at their son without thinking of my son who should be running around, three months older than their son. I understand how easy it is to say that I can't let it bother me, but unless you've been in my exact shoes or worse, you simply don't get it. And I'm GLAD you don't get it. Because getting it would mean that you are suffering as much as I am. But it's going to bother me. It's going to make me sad. It's going to be hard. It's going to make me mourn the loss of my son all over again.

I can't make you understand if you don't. It's a gut feeling. It's a certain drop of the heart. It's tears welling up without control. To go as far in the opposite direction for an example as I can, imagine that you put in a bid on a dream house, and didn't get it. Shortly thereafter, your friends put in a bid on the same house, and get it. Wouldn't you be a little jealous of them every time you visited? Wouldn't you think, "Man, this should be my master bathroom with jacuzzi tub and marble tile!"? It doesn't mean you're not happy for them - but come on, they're living in the house you always wanted, and that's gotta sting. Or imagine you saved up for months to go on some fabulous vacation to Italy. At the very last minute, it fell through, and you have nothing to show for it. You're out all that money, all that time planning, all that excitement you had. A few weeks later, you find out your friends are going on vacation. And not just any vacation, but that exact Italian vacation that you wanted to take. Wouldn't you be sad you didn't get to go? Wouldn't you think to yourself, "Man, I wish they would have chosen to go to somewhere else, anywhere else." You'd be happy they got to have an amazing time, but you still wish you would have gotten to go on YOUR vacation. And you think it'd be a lot easier to look at their vacation pictures if they were showing you pictures of Australia, or Antarctica, or Arkansas, or anywhere other than Italy.

It's like that.

Times a million.

*Fertility ho's**, as we call them one on of the forums I go to. And there's nothing wrong with that. I was a fertility ho until we lost the baby.
**Don't get me wrong. As much as I complain, they're good people. I think. Self-centered, thoughtless, tactless people, but still okay people. They deserve a baby as much as anyone else.

Gdamn it.

They're having a boy. Of course. Of freaking course.

traveling

I spent the last week or so traveling; first to Philadelphia and then to St. Louis. I flew to Philly, but drove to St. Louis and back. About an hour into my trip home from St. Louis, I saw a pro-life billboard that said something like "You have one job...protect her and keep her safe." with a picture of a late-term fetus. And of course, there's nothing like seeing a billboard like that while driving by yourself with nothing to take your mind off it. Bring on the waves of guilt! I had one effing job to do...to keep my baby safe for nine months...and I failed spectacularly. He did his job; he was perfect. I didn't do mine. I was the only one who COULD keep him safe, and I'm the only one who failed. Once he was born, the task of keeping him safe and alive would be shared by dozens of people - Chris, relatives, babysitters, teachers, doctors. But for those 40 weeks, it all was on me. And I didn't pull through for him. Needless to say, I spent about an hour of the drive home crying uncontrollably.

After I'd finally pulled myself together, I stopped to eat and checked Facebook on my phone. The "friend" I've mentioned a few times (Sally) just keeps shocking me. There are so many things going back years that she's done that are thoughtless, but she's seemed to ramp it up since she became pregnant (or, more likely, I'm now more sensitive to it). She posted on about a big surprise...her first stretchmark. She emphasized that it was tiny and barely noticible, but said, and I quote, "It really is devastating." It took all my strength not to reply to her, "Sally, I don't think you actually know the definition of the word devastating." Or maybe, "Wow, if a stretch mark is devastating, what do you consider what happened to me?" Or maybe, "No, Sally, a stretch mark is not devastating. MAYBE disappointing. Certainly not devastating. Losing a baby? That's devastating." Or maybe just a simple, silent wish that she gets super fat and covered in stretch marks.

Attention, you.

You, with that big pregnant belly in the checkout lane.

I'm really jealous of you. I want to reach out and touch your stomach. I want to make sure you know to appreciate all this. To take it easy. To not stress out about having that extra coffee this morning. Let the stock boy lift that box for you! I try not to stare, but I can't help it. If a weird look crosses my face, it's not disgust. It's shock at seeing you, a hurt that goes straight through me, a lot of jealousy. It's not you. It's me.

You, with the baby pictures all over your blog.

I'm really jealous of you. I can't stop torturing myself by looking at your pictures. Your baby is adorable. I wish I had one. I try to remind myself that even if Caleb had lived he wouldn't be your baby and there's no reason to be jealous. But I am. Every expression your baby makes cuts me to the core. Seeing those pictures magnifies the emptiness in my arms by a million. I love them - they're really cute - but I hate them at the same time. I don't hate your baby. I hate that I don't have my baby.

You, the one on Facebook bitching about your kids or how you hate being pregnant.

I'm really jealous of you. I would give my life to trade places with you. Shut up. Just shut the hell up.

Me, the one with the empty uterus and empty arms.

Stop looking at the calendar. Stop torturing yourself by going on Facebook or baby blogs. Don't look at that website of cute baby clothes. Stop pushing your stomach out when you get dressed in the morning so you'd see what you look like wearing that outfit if you were still pregnant. You'll be pregnant again someday. Hopefully soon. Focus on that. Focus. Focus.

Moving forward

I had my final follow-up appointment yesterday, and I couldn't stop smiling after it. Not because I learned anything new or got the go-ahead to try again, but because they agreed to do some fairly aggressive testing to see if they can find a cause for what happened to Caleb. It's a very, very sad state of affairs in the miscarriage/pregnancy loss world - while testing on the tissue of the baby or placenta is common, it usually ends there and they don't do any testing on you until you've had three losses. Three. Can you imagine asking people to go through this three times? I mean, mentally I get it - I really do. One loss, a fluke. Two losses, shitty bad luck. Three, a pattern. But try telling that to a mother who already suffered through one loss. "I'm sorry, but you might have to go through this emotional hell two more times before we're able to investigate and look for a cause!" Especially for someone like me, where the autopsy and pathology of Caleb and the placenta came back normal, that's asking a lot. My baby was perfect and there was no reason for him to die; therefore, there must be something wrong with me that caused it (so goes the internal logic).

So I am absolutely thrilled that my doctor is pursuing additional testing. Seriously, I couldn't stop smiling yesterday. I am getting two tests done: On is the RPL screen, which tests for clotting disorders and autoimmune diseases that might cause pregnancy loss. I don't expect any of them to come back positive, but just knowing for sure that they aren't a factor will be a huge weight off my mind - especially because if they are an issue, they're so easily treatable (i.e. extra folic acid and baby aspirin!). It'd be such a huge shame to go through this again and find that just two extra pills a day could have prevented another loss.

The second is a hysterosonogram, or hysterosalpingogram, or sonohysterogram, or HSG, or some variation of that. I'm sure there are technical differences between each of those, but the terms tend to be used interchangeably in everyday use. This test will insert dye or saline into my uterus to expand it and allow a detailed ultrasound to be performed, which will rule out any issues like fibroids, structural problems, or scarring [a similar procedure is used to check your tubes if you're suffering infertility, but mine will be for my uterus]. Again, I don't expect them to find anything, but the knowledge that my baby maker is physically fine and theoretically can carry a baby to term will make my next pregnancy...please god, let there be a next one...so much easier. I mean, I'm still going to be freaking out until the baby is delivered full-term and alive and STAYS that way for more than twenty minutes, but I won't have those lingering questions in the back of my mind wondering if there was something wrong with me.

So yay for the twelve vials of blood that got drawn on Wednesday! Yay for my HSG appointment next Friday! Yay for peace of mind!

Oh, and a confession: I almost hope they find something small and easily treatable wrong with me, so I have something to blame and more importantly, something to fix for next time.

Last picture

While uploading the pictures from Aruba, I discovered the last picture of me pregnant, taken four days before my water broke and nine days before Caleb was born:


I have such mixed emotions while seeing it. One, holy belly, Batman! I didn't remember it being so large - I guess because it grew over five months. But seeing it reinforces the fact that I WAS pregnant. Sometimes it feels like a dream, but looking at the picture, seeing myself with a pregnant stomach...yes, I was. Two, since I didn't realize I'd been so belly-licious, I didn't realize my body had already changed so much since giving birth. Compared to that I'm supermodel belly flat. Of course, compared to a supermodel, I might as well still be five months pregnant, but still. Three, I wish I'd known everything that was about to happen so I could prepare. I never got to take a 19 week picture. I was on bedrest when that milestone came about.

Check out the difference between 17 and 18 weeks...Caleb must have had a growth spurt that week!


Sigh. I miss being pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not wishing or praying hard enough for this all to not have happened and to still be pregnant. I'd give up everything I own to have him safe in my belly again.

Devastated

This is the most difficult thing I've ever written.

On Wednesday, April 7, at 2am, my water broke.

I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

We immediately went to the emergency room, where it was confirmed via ultrasound that there was no fluid left.

The prognosis we received is not good. Most women deliver within 48 hours of their water breaking, and the vast majority of those who don't deliver immediately will within 10 days. Only 1-2% go on to deliver after a date when the baby could live outside the womb. We were admitted to the hospital and placed on bedrest. I received antibiotics for the entire two days we were there and IV fluids the first day. Baby and I were checked out every four hours - temperature, blood pressure, heartrate, etc. We received a second ultrasound Thursday morning. Baby continued to have a heartbeat, and this time they were able to measure fluid at a level of 1.4 (normal is 8-20). The doctor cautioned us that it was possible this was due to a different ultrasound technician or a better quality machine, but that it was something. And at this point, ANYTHING was cause for celebration. After we passed that 48 hour mark without delivering and appearing stable, we were discharged for strict bedrest at home.

I'm now at home counting every day that passes. Our first goal - 48 hours - has passed. Our next goal is the 10 day mark, which will be the 17th of April. After passing that, we'll be hoping and praying that we can make the 24 week mark, when our little baby would have a fighting chance of surviving.

Our big hurdles now are to prevent infection and to stay out of labor. I'm doing everything I can on both of those ends - staying laying down, drinking tons of fluids, saying my daily positive affirmations, taking lots of vitamins, and talking to other women who have experienced this who HAVE had a positive outcome. It's hard to stay positive with such slim chances, but we're clinging to that hope.

Be prepared for TMI about bodily functions and pregnancy:

The bleeding WILL stop.
My uterus WILL stay calm and relaxed.
My cervix WILL stay long and closed.
My amniotic sac WILL repair and replenish fluid.
I WILL stay infection-free.
Our baby WILL stay healthy and strong.

Chris has been absolutely amazing. He's taking such good care of me - I could never have imagined. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else by my side. I'm lucky to have a strong family support system as well.

Anyone who stumbles across this blog, please send thoughts, prayers, positive vibes to me, to our baby, and to our family. I don't care if it's God, Buddha, your personal happy thoughts, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster....we will greedily and eagerly accept and welcome them all.

REALLY, Chewie?

I am sick of writing about blood and bleeding and spotting. So I'm not going to any more. Instead, I'm going to say "daffodils." Because it's spring!

Thanks to a huge gush of daffodils last night, I landed in the doctor's office AGAIN today. Granted, I've had some daffodils on and off this entire pregnancy, and Chewie Optimus Prime has been fine so far (according to that strong heartbeat). However, this was more daffodils than I've ever seen in my life in one big gush, so I was understandably freaked out. I called the doctor first thing this morning (after barely sleeping and many hours spent contemplating an ER trip) and they got us in right away. One concern was that since it was a gush (think water balloon bursting) that my water may have broken. The end result, after much prodding, was that they could definitely see daffodils all over the place (no surprise, since that's been evident for a while), but that (thank god) the water hadn't broken. In order to try to pinpoint a cause of all these daffodils, they moved our ultrasound up from next Friday, the 16th (11 days away) to THIS THURSDAY, the 8th (three days away!). She wasn't entirely happy about the change - they prefer to do the big ultrasound as close to 20 weeks as possible - but really wants to see if they can find out what's going on.

I feel like there aren't quite enough parenthesis in that paragraph.

()()()()((((()))))))((((((((((())))))))))()()()()(((())))((((())))((((((())

(()))()()()))))(((()))

(

)

Ok, done. Out of my system.

Anyway, so big ultrasound on Thursday. Praying that they can figure out where the heck all these daffodils are coming from. Hoping that Chewie is healthy and looking good. And keeping my fingers crossed that baby decides to put on a big show for us and show us that cheeseburger or, um...not cheeseburger.

18 weeks

Well, Chewie Optimus Prime H., we've reached 18 weeks. We're sooooo close to that 20 week mark. I can't tell you how impatient I am to get to April 16! Only 14 days left until we find out if you're Miss Chewie Optimus Prime or Mister Chewie Optimus Prime. And only 14 days left until we've reached the halfway mark! It's really hard for me to believe that the halfway point between December and September is APRIL. April seems much closer to December than it does to September.

I'm still waiting for you to make your presence known to me by giving me a good kick. I know it's common to not feel anything until even 22 weeks, but there are a lot of people on the boards that have been feeling their babies for weeks now, and I want to join that club! I've tried drinking orange juice, pressing my stomach in certain spots, jumping jacks....and the results of that are generally just having to pee. There have been a few times that I thought, "Wait! Was that something??" But I can't tell for sure...and it's hard to enjoy it if the chances are equally likely that it might have been gas!

In three weeks we leave for Aruba. My only hope for that trip is that my stomach rounds out and I start looking actually pregnant so I can be one of those darling pregnant bikini girls. Because if I put on a bikini right now, I'd just be a gross fat chick.

Sunday is Easter (or Zombie Jesus Day) and it will mark the first time most of the family will see me actually looking pregnant (The Belly looks much better in clothes than it does without). Since at least one family member has already told me I look gross (thanks, Mo) it will be interesting to see the reactions.

17 weeks

Not much to update on the baby front here....I definitely have a belly, though.

Hopefully it gets a little rounder and less...fat looking soon. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and all sounded good - hearing the heartbeat is always amazing, and insanely, I was actually able to feel my uterus about an inch below my belly button after the midwife pointed it out. That's just weird. It's like...I don't know what it's like. It's like I'm growing a human or something. In a space that wasn't there before.

Chris and I have kind of started talking about names. Boy names are going to be a challenge. Chris really likes Riley, but that might just be because, oh, I don't know...he's used to the name since it's OUR DOG'S NAME ALREADY. Yeah, that is *not* going on the list. He's not a fan of my top boy names - Caleb, Cale, Colby, Levi, Rhys, Ryder. For girls we both like Annika, which I love because it'd honor both my mom Ann and his sister Ana. Plus, it's cute with lots of nickname potential. I also love Alice Anna (YES THEY HAVE TO BE TOGETHER), Annelise, Anneli, Briony, Ellery, and Elodie. It will be interesting to see if we stay settled on Annika. I won't say it's my FAVORITE off the list, but it's one of them.

The next big thing now is Friday, April 16, when we find out if we even need to worry about boy's names, or if it's a little Annika Bananika cooking away in there. After that, it's Aruba on April 23 and then the next milestone is May 14, which will be viability day (meaning that if, god forbid, the baby should be born that day there's a good chance for survival). That's only 24 weeks...can you believe a baby born at 24 weeks can survive? Insanity. Yet they still haven't figured out a good male birth control...hmmm.

15 weeks!

Wow...I can't believe I went from 13 weeks to 15 weeks since I last posted. Truly, it's been going pretty quickly since 9 or so weeks, and I hope that trend continues! I am counting down the days (35!) until I next get to see Bowser and find out if it's a Chris, Junior or Little Lara incubating in there.

This week - actually just the last couple of days - I've really felt legitimately pregnant. No symptoms or anything, but just the fact that 15 weeks feels pretty solidly into this thing, and like it's okay to be showing, and like OH MY GOD there might actually probably be a baby at the end of all this. It's an exciting feeling.

I just got back from Vegas yesterday, after spending the week with Darbi and other photographers. Let me tell you...Vegas at 29 and pregnant is a very different experience than Vegas at 22 and drunk. Not that I've been to Vegas at 22 and drunk, but I've been there at 25 and drunk, so close. But we saw some girls dancing and drinking and acting like a damn fool, and I have never felt so far away from the point in life where they are. Half of me feels like I'm about to become a teen mom statistic (though I'm 10 years past that) and half of me feel ancient (my first baby at 30?).

I'm now anxiously awaiting the next huge milestones...feeling the baby move, which hopefully should happen in the next two weeks; the 20 week ultrasound; finding out if it's a boy or girl....and holy cow, I can't wait.

13 weeks - and an ultrasound!

Yesterday I officially entered the second trimester AND had the best day of this pregnancy so far - Chris and I got to see the baby! We had our NT scan (which screens for abnormalities like Down's Syndrome or Trisomy 13/18), and part of the screening involved an ultrasound. It was the first time Chris has gotten to see the baby, and he was memorized. Little Bowser was doing all sorts of acrobatics - flipping around, bouncing up and down, waving...it was absolutely amazing. I can't TELL you how amazing. I wish we had a video of it. Here's a picture of her or him waving:


For you non-ultrasound techs out there, the head is the oval on the left, the body is the larger oval on the lower right, and the little arm is sticking out of the body at a 90 degree angle, with the hand by the face.

Or here's the annotated version for those of you who still see gray and black blotches against a gray and black background:


I'll add more pictures when I actually get the pics scanned instead of just taking a picture of a picture with my phone.

We also scheduled our next ultrasound, where, if baby cooperates, we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl!! April 16!

13 weeks

On Monday, I'll officially be out of the first trimester, no matter which calendar you use. You'd think after ten thousand years of humanity there would be some set standard, but no...apparently every site and doctor calculates it differently. Some sites say 12 weeks, some say 13, some say 13 weeks 3 days, and some say the end of 13 weeks. One even says 14 weeks 5 days, but I'm ignoring that entirely. The standard seems to be 13 weeks 3 days, so I'm going with that calculation. So MONDAY! Monday is also a huge day for us because it's the day of our first official ultrasound. Obviously I had one at 6 weeks for the ER visit, but Chris wasn't there, and let's be honest....it was essentially a jelly bean. A jelly bean with a heartbeat, yes, but still a jelly bean. Assuming all goes well, this time we should see a baby! A miniature, three inch baby. I could not be more excited...and nervous. This ultrasound checks for chromosomal abnormalities like Down's Syndrome. While we have no history of anything like that on either side of our families (well, Chris's cousin, but that might be more of a twin complication than anything else), it's still completely nerve wracking to wait for the results. Chris and I haven't really talked too much about what we'd do if there were abnormal results. I think if the results strongly indicated that there could be an issue, we'd move forward with an amnio. And if that also indicated a problem? God forbid...but I don't know. We'll cross that bridge when (hopefully never) we come to it.

What else? I'm DEFINITELY showing. Before, I could write it off as bloat. But now...well, the top of my stomach under my chest is starting to pop out a big. There's a hard little area just above my belly button - I know it's not the baby yet, but I'm assuming that some organ has decided to come vacation under my ribs.

Lastly, on Tuesday I got to hear the heartbeat at the doctor's. I had bright red spotting (this kid is really gunning for the pony) over the weekend, and while I was initially able to reassure myself by finding the heartbeat with the doppler, on Monday night I could no longer find it. Obviously, I panicked. I'd just been able to find it that morning...what could possibly have changed in less than 12 hours that would suddenly make me not be able to hear it? The last three or four times I'd tried, I'd been able to locate it in less than five minutes. On Monday night I tried for 30 or 40 minutes and couldn't find it. I won't go into detail about the crying fits I went through that day and the next day, but needless to say there were quite a bit. I called the doctor Tuesday morning, honestly expecting to hear them reassure me that the home doppler might not be as sensitive or that the baby might have moved, but instead the nurse asked me to come in as soon as possible. Honestly, that was not the response I expected at all and it absolutely terrified me. You'd think after the pain at 6 weeks and the spotting at 8 and being reassured that everything was okay despite those issues that I'd start to be less nervous, but no. Apparently you start to get attached to the little tumor growing inside you as the days go on...who knew?

I got to the appointment and met another of the midwives, who was supposed to be Pam, but in retrospect I don't think that's what her nametag said. If only there was a way I could use my computer to look it up....too bad no one has invented a way to keep information accessible, say over a global system of networked computers, via just a few keystokes. I'll just have to use my Jedi mind power instead. A ha! Her name was Heather. I really liked her a lot. Neither Chris nor my mom could go to the appointment, so I called Carol and she was able to meet me. Thank god, because if it had been bad news, I don't think I would have been able to be by myself. Pam Heather put the doppler on my belly and after a few minutes, the room filled up with the amazing, wonderful sound of the baby's heartbeat. Holy cow, I was so relieved.

So now, I just wait until Monday to hopefully see that all is well with the little one. Keep growing, baby!

Chris's side - check!

After brunch at my parents, it was time to tell Margi and Ana.

We took dinner (Olive Garden) over for Valentine's Day dinner. I bought a cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory for dessert, and they have these chocolate plaques that you can get inscriptions written on, so I had them write "We're Pregnant!" It was really cute - everyone at the restaurant was so excited! The girl who did it even picked out all blue and pink sprinkles from their multicolor sprinkles to decorate it.


We got to Margi's and ate dinner, but everyone was too full to have cheesecake right away, so we played a couple games instead. Finally, a few hours after we got there, we decided we were ready for cheesecake, so Margi went to get it out of the fridge. She opened the box and immediately started screaming. Here's the video - watch your ears!


AND THEN!!! She reached behind the counter and brought out a little bag - she had suspected and bought us baby socks!!! Chris and I were shocked - we have no idea how she knew. We've only seen her once since we found out and there was definitely know way to tell at that point. Mother's intuition, I guess? Apparently, before we got there, her and Ana were dancing around in anticipation of the big reveal. (How Margi knew there'd be a big reveal, again - no idea!! We take dinner/dessert over there every once in a while, and definitely on a holiday it shouldn't have given anything away.) I didn't notice, but throughout dinner Margi kept asking, "So...what now? Anything you want to talk about? Huh? Huh??" By the time we finally had the cheesecake, she'd started to get nervous she was wrong since we'd been there for a while without saying anything.

She was soooo thrilled. She immediately started talking about The Bassinet - the one her dad had made and that she, Mike, and Nancy had all used, and after them Chris, Ana, their two cousins all used it as well. Apparently there is also a huge giraffe and a little child-sized swing. It's totally overwhelming to be even thinking about that kind of stuff at this point, but so exciting. I think I'll have to pry her away from the nursery, though...she already started talking about big plans for it and I think I'm going to want to go a little more simple than she has in mind.

I still can't believe she bought a baby gift. How did everyone KNOW??

My side - check!

Today we told my side of the family about the baby! My mom and dad already knew, of course, but Jared*, Jenna (and Chris), Kimberly (and John), Grandma and Grandpa Nussrallah [which spellcheck is trying to correct to Tallahassee], and Grandma Adkins all came over for brunch and they had no idea. After we finished eating a delicious breakfast of pancakes and we were all just sitting around talking, I brought out a cake that I'd made and decorated that said, "We're pregnant!" Because it was heart-shaped and this was on Valentine's Day, everyone just assumed that it said "Happy Valentine's Day" without reading it...until Chris K. read it out loud. "We're....pregnant??"

And at that point there was pandemonium - Jenna squealed, Kimberly kept shouting "WHAT? WHAT? FOR REAL?," and Grandma N had a huge smile on her face. It was completely amazing to finally share the news with everyone. I also called the aunts - Mary Jo (squealed so loudly you could hear it across the room), Theresa (ditto MJ), Carol (who pretty much already knew), Leslie, and LeAnn.

*Jared wasn't actually there for the big reveal - he was still at work. So when he arrived, I brought out the cake again, and he just said "Oh. That's cool." WHAT? We expected far more out of our usually over-the-top brother. So we made him do it over again. The second time he came in with his hands over his mouth and started screaming. Dork. He says it was because he already suspected after I didn't feel well last Tuesday and I was so eager to make sure he was there, and claims he even told his coworker, "I have to go to breakfast with my family so my sister can tell us she's pregnant." The intuitive jerkface.

We're telling Margi and Ana tonight. I expect more screaming!

11w! ?

I'd been doing so good the last two weeks about worrying - of course it was always in the back of my head, but then suddenly today it came back full force. Slammed into me head on and knocked me flat on my back. I tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler to reassure me, but I couldn't. I know that shouldn't worry me - it's still fairly early to find it consistently - but it does. It really does.

So bean, Koopa, Bowser, Skeletor, Megatron....keep on keepin' on, okay? We're telling your family about you this weekend and they're all going to be SO thrilled to meet you and SO excited. You'll be really spoiled! You will have amazing grandmothers and aunts and uncle. Oh, sad! You only have one uncle! :( I'll yell at my parents for that. Once some of the girls get married you'll have some more, though, so don't let that stop you!

Spoiled. Rotten. I promise. So just...just keep on growing and be healthy. Ok?

UPDATE: Apparently the promise of being spoiled rotten works for this little one, because I've been able to find it consistently the past few days. Yay!

Aaaaaand we have a heartbeat!

Yesterday was our first appointment, and it was AWESOME. Or maybe it was super boring and I'm just so stoked about everything it seems awesome. That's entirely possible. Especially because looking back now, nothing too crazy happened. They took my blood pressure, weight, some family history, checked the placement of the uterus, and heard the heartbeat via doppler. We also decided to get screen for Cystic Fibrosis and get an NT Scan (aka 1st Trimester Screening). I'm pretty certain our risks for birth defects are low considering we have eight million children in our family with no issues (knock on wood) (no, I literally just knocked on wood) (like, for real). But if there is something, we'd both need time to figure out what to do and how to adjust. And. Um. The NT scan is done by ultrasound. So yeah. It's a chance to see Koopa* again. And possibly looking more baby and less bean like! And if I'm being perfectly honest, that's why I want to get it.

After we were able to hear the hearbeat on the doppler at the doctor's, I immediately went and bought one of the home ones. It arrived today, and to my delight, I was able to find it! I am pretty excited to get to listen to it whenever I want. In fact, I'm even [blush] thinking about taking it to work tomorrow, just because I can. If I get proficient at it, maybe I'll take it to the parents' when we made the big announcements. Although...it's pretty, um, low. I'd ahve to cover up with a blanket or something, unless they all want a show. Which, you know, with the Hanlon philosophy of keeping it in the family, they might enjoy. No! Ewww!

What? You want to see for yourself? Okay!

Wait, what do you want to see? The show? Or the heartbeat? Because if it's the hearbeat, fine, but if it's the show....I charge.

Presenting...our baby's hearbeat at an awesome 165 bpm.



Four more days until the big reveal and nine more days until 12 weeks! Can't wait!

* Does Koopa work? Like the turtle things from Mario? I hate using Bean. And I think they kind of look like those turtles sometimes. I've been experimenting but nothing sounds right. Including Koopa.

10 weeks!

Hey! Megatron! Skeletor! Bean! Bowser! You're 10 weeks! This week, for some reason, I really started to relax. Our first appointment is tomorrow, and I'm still really nervous, but more than that I've just been SO excited to finally get to tell everyone this weekend! We're taking your Grandma Hanlon and Aunt Ana dinner on Valentine's Day, and I'm going to get a cheesecake that announces the news. I think. I was also brainstorming a few other ideas, but I think that's going to be the best one. Your Grandma and Grandpa Adkins already know [Um, okay. Now that's just weird. Grandma and Grandpa Adkins are MY grandparents. We might have to rethink this...Maybe Nona and Poppa or something for my mom and dad.] from my trip to the ER, but your aunts and uncle don't. We're telling them over brunch on Valentine's Day. And I think I'm going to work it into a game of Balderdash.

Chris has been DYING to tell his friends - it's actually really, really sweet. We just found out two of our friends (Joe and Rachel) are pregnant and due at the end of September! So they're a few weeks behind us, but told already - which has been killing Chris. Poor guy! It was also pretty sweet because we got invited to a wine tasting (the same one we did last year with Becky and Matt) and he asked, "Would you even want to go if you can't drink?" I told him that a few sips here and there - even a glass - is totally fine. His response? "What?? NO! You're not doing that! Don't take the chance!" He said the same thing when I was telling him about deli meat being "bad" but that I'd probably continue to eat it. I thought he'd be the opposite and think all the "rules" were silly and pointless, but no - he's already protective and careful.

I'll post an update tomorrow after our WAY TOO EARLY doctor's appointment. Fingers crossed!

9 weeks

Good job, little one...you've settled down. No scary stuff this week, so THANK YOU! That pony is on order and will be delivered in about 12 years. Keep it up and I'll throw in a monkey too! (Only because I've always wanted a pet monkey.)