Friday, June 4, 2010

Attention, you.

You, with that big pregnant belly in the checkout lane.

I'm really jealous of you. I want to reach out and touch your stomach. I want to make sure you know to appreciate all this. To take it easy. To not stress out about having that extra coffee this morning. Let the stock boy lift that box for you! I try not to stare, but I can't help it. If a weird look crosses my face, it's not disgust. It's shock at seeing you, a hurt that goes straight through me, a lot of jealousy. It's not you. It's me.

You, with the baby pictures all over your blog.

I'm really jealous of you. I can't stop torturing myself by looking at your pictures. Your baby is adorable. I wish I had one. I try to remind myself that even if Caleb had lived he wouldn't be your baby and there's no reason to be jealous. But I am. Every expression your baby makes cuts me to the core. Seeing those pictures magnifies the emptiness in my arms by a million. I love them - they're really cute - but I hate them at the same time. I don't hate your baby. I hate that I don't have my baby.

You, the one on Facebook bitching about your kids or how you hate being pregnant.

I'm really jealous of you. I would give my life to trade places with you. Shut up. Just shut the hell up.

Me, the one with the empty uterus and empty arms.

Stop looking at the calendar. Stop torturing yourself by going on Facebook or baby blogs. Don't look at that website of cute baby clothes. Stop pushing your stomach out when you get dressed in the morning so you'd see what you look like wearing that outfit if you were still pregnant. You'll be pregnant again someday. Hopefully soon. Focus on that. Focus. Focus.


  1. I love you! You will be that pregnant lady again! I was never worried about strangers wanting to touch my belly, but next pregnancy I'll let whoever wants to touch it. They may be in our shoes.

  2. You always know exactly what to write. I hope you can focus on the future! Someday in the future, all of us ladies should get together with our take home babies and laugh and cry.

  3. Focus, focus, focus. I'll remember that today and every day when things feel like they are not going to get better. Thanks for reminding me. You are freaking awesome.

    I like what Stephanie said about getting together with our take home babies. The thought brings me to tears but it brings me some hope.

    Focus. Focus. Focus.

  4. Very well said, well written.

    Focus. Focus. Focus.

  5. Exactly. And I know you will get your take home baby soon enough.

  6. I stumbled across your blog. We lost our baby at 10 weeks in April. Last Friday at work my principal called up my two pregnant friends and gave them flowers and everyone clapped. I sat in my chair knowing that I should have been up there too.

    I know how you feel. You wanted THAT baby. I did too.

  7. I too just stumbled upon your blog, I'm so sorry for your lose. My son was born April 11 at 37 weeks, but we lost him to meningitis after he was released with symptoms that were overlooked. I know your pain, but I also know with each day comes healing, and it gets a tiny bit better daily. Praying for you. I pray that you get to be that expecting mama again soon. :)