Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Around the corner

It's been a really good week. Being so confident in the upcoming tests has done amazing things for my emotional well-being. There are only two possible outcomes: they find something, or they don't. And I'll be thrilled with either one. If they find something, we can fix it. If they don't find anything, then it really was just a terrible fluke and chances are it won't happen again. At least it shouldn't. I made great strides with karma over the weekend by making a preschooler's LIFE by giving her a pack of glow sticks (which she continually called glue sticks, only adding to the adorableness). It wasn't perfect. I felt a few pangs of loss when playing with her 7-month-old brother, who is doing his part in keeping the cute baby tradition alive in their household with his easy smile and eight-mile-long eyelashes and giant blue eyes. Seeing his dad interact with him took me straight to how Chris would have been with Caleb. Carrying his car seat into the restaurant where I ate with his mom and dad was a physical reminder of what I should have had. Changing his diaper, pinching his toes, tickling his chubby legs...I should have had that. I want that. I hate that I don't have that. But knowing that the testing is being done gives me confidence that I will have that. It just won't be with my first baby boy, Caleb. Which is unfair. So flipping unfair. But I will have it with his little brothers and sisters. (However, despite this leap forward, I haven't made it so far as to unhide all my pregnant and new mom friends from Facebook. One thing at a time!)

But it was a very normal holiday weekend. I hung out with my family, I hung out with friends, I even got to hang out with my husband a bit! There was no crying. There was a lot of laughing. The raw open edges of my heart have worn away to a dull ache...always there, but not always causing pain. Normal. I can haz it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, good for you Lara. Your attitude is so positive and promising. I'm waiting for test results (maybe a 3 month wait) and I'm adopting the same attitude. I think it helps with the pain of losing Isla. But I'm in awe of you for playing with a baby. It gives me hope that I'll get there one day.