Monday, June 28, 2010

Keep on keepin' on

Nothing really worth blogging about has happened recently. I'm almost mostly good. I am still sad. I still cry sometimes. I am excited to try again. I'm terrified to try again. I have pretty much had to cut one specific person out of my life and avoid her (not you, Rachel! Love you!) because I can't stand hearing about or seeing her pregnant. She's quickly approaching the time when we lost Caleb, and seeing her pass by that date is going to be a stab in the heart. If I'm entirely honest, I'm not excited for her. The jealousy and the feeling of unfairness has completely overshadowed any bit of excitement that should exist. Part of it is just who it is...there are other women who are having babies who I AM excited for. Still jealous of, yes, but there exists at least a modicum of excitement as well. Just not for this one person. It's just too unfair.

Chris and I are having a "debate" about when to start trying again. We were cleared to go after three cycles, but he wants to wait four just to be sure. My number one huge gigantic goal is to be pregnant by Caleb's due date, and if we wait four we won't hit that goal. It's unlikely that we'll get lucky enough to hit it waiting three cycles, and with four cycles it's impossible. He can't understand why it means so much to me to be pregnant again by that specific date, and I can't understand why he thinks waiting another cycle will be any safer. Since I need his cooperation, we'll probably wait four. But I'm continuing to try to convince him otherwise. I need some sort of bribery! Sex won't work (I won't have sex with you unless you have sex with me???). He buys himself all the gadgets and electronics he wants. Maybe clean, folded laundry every day so he doesn't have to root through a laundry basket for a pair of boxers? Putting on the "good wife" apron for a little while might just do it.

I just wish that the world wasn't chock full of reminders about what I lost. Example: Yesterday I went to the Summer Arts Festival - a local street fair - with my family, and not only was it apparently Pregnant Women Day, but the entire festival reminded me that last year when we went, Chris and I had just decided to try for a baby later that year so I went with the mindset of finding things for a nursery and child's room. Seeing those same booths this year - the wooden train here, the rubber ducky painting here - was such a slap in the face. HAHA! fate seemed to say, HAHA! Get excited about having a baby and be confident that you'll have one by this time next year and I'll show you!

Yeah, well, curse words and inappropriate hand gesture to you, fate. You sure showed me!


  1. I love you! But you already knew that. Has he said why he thinks it safer or do you think there is another reason, but being a guy he wants to hide that?

  2. ^^I agree with Maggie, do you think he's just not ready to face the risk of it all again? Sometimes guys really just don't want to come out and say it. Either way, I'm rootin for ya. And maybe a sexy new pair of heels would do the trick? I'm not above it!

  3. My husband wants to wait a year. There is no way I can do that. He also says though that he will be ok with whenever I am physically and mentally ready to try again. I want to now but know I too have to wait three cycles. So, I would like to have the ball rolling by Wyatt's due date and be pregnant by October. I know what you are feeling my friend.

    *hugs* Here's hoping we get to be pregnant again together.

  4. Yep. If I found out tomorrow I was pregnant I would be THRILLED (then terrified...then THRILLED...then terrified...then I might have to go lie down somewhere until the head rush passed). But I would love to be pregnant by Aidan's due date. When I first delivered him I thought, no I can't face another pregnancy until after his due date passed, because if I got pregnant at the point where the two pregnancies would have run into each other (ie: before Aidan was technically due to be here) then somehow the new baby would feel like we'd had him or her only because it's brother died. But, then I realized, due to my heart condition we had really only ever planned to have one any child that comes after Aidan wouldn't be here if he lived. So now I don't care when it happens...the sooner the better. I just want to be a mom to a living child.

  5. sorry repost! I am so so so sorry for Caleb not still being in your tummy. For all of the women who have come together for support on you blog and I am so sorry for all of you who lost children. I can't pretend to know how bad it would hurt. Lara you have forever inspired me to be a better mommy. Ok kleenex time.

  6. I'd stick with your DH and try after your EDD. You guys both need to be on board and feeling ready emotionally.

    Lastly, if you do try on the 3rd cycle and it doesn't work the first time, that's going to be a HUGE let-down. His EDD is already going to be an emotional enough time for you, I'd hate for it to be exacerbated.

    I think the other thing that waiting until after my original EDD did for me was to separate the two pregnancies a little better. I will always love, miss, and pine for my first daughter, but letting this 2nd one have her own story has really helped me to separate the two.

    If you haven't already gotten a copy, I really recommend the book Still To Be Born. Just a FYI.


  7. I didn't know strength and courage as well as I do now. One of the strongest women i've ever met turned out to be stronger than i even knew...

    You'll know when you're ready - and I believe no gadget will be as powerful as you will be :)

  8. I feel the exact same way toward some of my pregnant friends, I'm glad I'm not alone in those feelings! I also am excited to ttc again, but then the excitement is quickly squashed by feelings of fear.
    Good luck on whatever you and your DH decide to do as far as waiting, either way, I'm thinking of you!