Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

...except it's not Wednesday and I'm not wordless. I feel wordless. I feel like I have nothing to say. The truth is, I'm just kind of frustrated. I'm not pregnant. I didn't REALLY think I'd get pregnant right away, but I'd hoped.

And now in our second month, I haven't ovulated yet. Hello, world of complete and total TMI that comes with the territory of talking about trying for a loin fruit.* But whatever, right? I talked about spewing a tiny person from my vagina, so talking about something so innocent as an egg (or lack thereof) is comparatively tame.

So I both chart and use the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM). That means that I generally know the exact day I ovulated, exactly how long each phase of my cycle is, and just generally am pretty in touch with my body. The CBEFM measures two different hormones in your body, and tells you which days you have high fertility and which days are peak fertility. Generally, you get a few days of high, followed by a couple days of peak, followed by another high day. For instance, last cycle I had high readings on CD 13 and 14, peak readings on CD 15 and 16, and a high reading on CD 17. I ovulated on CD 15. The cycle before that I had a high on CD 16, peak on CD 17 and 18, and high on CD 19, with ovlulation on CD 18. The cycle before that, I didn't have the monitor, but I didn't ovluate until CD 23. Today is cycle day 19 and I haven't even gotten a high reading yet.

My cycles were getting MORE regular and MORE typical, and then this cycle all of the sudden is going back to late ovulation. If I even ovulate at all. Stressing about it probably isn't helping (don't you know that all you need to do to make a baby is relax and have fun? Or, more likely, be 17 and in the back of a Chevy), but dude. You need an EGG if you want a BABY. And my g-d ovaries aren't reasing their little prisoner! Come on, you little bitches. Just one. Give me my egg! It's mine! You can't friggin' keep it from me!

Anyway, so that's frustrating me.

And then I was thinking about getting pregnant at all, and I realized that holy mother of god, I don't want to go through all that again. I want to jump right ahead to 20 weeks. I don't want a freaking poppyseed. I want a cantalope. I worked my way to a cantalope and I want my damn cantalope! You really should be able to just jump ahead to where you were pushed off track. Look, dude, I didn't ASK to leave the baby train. I was forcibly removed! I should get a free pass to get back on at the same stop I got off at. It was a long enough trip there. Do I really have to start all the way at the beginning again??

And on top of that, there's a mother fucking mosquito biting me in my own house! You don't belong in here! Get out!

So yeah. Frustrated would be my word of the day.

On the plus side, I had some really awesome coconut bonbons over the weekend. But now they're gone. So back to frustrated.

*Is loin fruit the best way you've ever heard of to refer to children, or THE BEST WAY you've ever heard of to refer to children??


  1. I completely agree with you about the frustration. It's so maddening when your body just won't cooperate with your dreams. I mean *hello*, aren't our bodies suppose to WANT to procreate...isn't that like up there with wanting oxygen, food and water??? And here I am, giving my body free reign to get busy making that loin fruit and it WON'T CO-OPERATE!!!
    And kind of makes me want to throw up a bit that even if I do get to see those two lovely lines on a pregnancy test, I'll have to live through the 1st trimester fears of miscarriage, and the blood tests and the ultrasounds (not to mention the puking) all OVER AGAIN. I should have a one month old right now...not be freaking worrying about conceiving Aidan's brother or sister.

    So yeah. With you on the frusterated.

  2. ummm, so i've been trying to catch up and have been reading your blog for over and hour straight. and i <3 you. seriously. i want to reach through the screen and hug you. lol