As some of you guessed, the reason I stopped blogging over here so often was because I'm pregnant again. We're due July 11 and I'll be 13 weeks on Monday. I didn't post anything here because there are family and friends who read this blog, and I wasn't out yet. Well, as much as I'd like to keep it completely secret from EVERYONE until I'm actually given a real, live baby to take home, we made the announcement to family and friends over Christmas and New Year's. I also didn't post because when I was deep in the throes of grief, it seemed like every time I found a new loss blog to follow and fall in love with, the writer found out she was pregnant. Which was great for her, but holy shit painful for me. I was SO not there yet...so there were a lot of blogs that I followed and then immediately unfollowed. Well, now I'm one of those writers. I won't be writing about my new pregnancy on this blog - this is Caleb's blog - but if you are so inclined you can follow the progress of this little one at Baby H, Take Two. Some day I might make a new blog and combine them all into one epic site, but...well, let's be real. I won't. Far too lazy for that.
Anyway, I hope that I haven't caused anyone too much pain by posting this, and maybe (just maybe) even provided someone suffering a loss a little bit of hope. This will be the only post about a current pregnancy here, I promise.
Fingers crossed our 2011 baby has a better outcome than our 2010 did.
Showing posts with label trying to conceive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trying to conceive. Show all posts
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wordless Wednesday
...except it's not Wednesday and I'm not wordless. I feel wordless. I feel like I have nothing to say. The truth is, I'm just kind of frustrated. I'm not pregnant. I didn't REALLY think I'd get pregnant right away, but I'd hoped.
And now in our second month, I haven't ovulated yet. Hello, world of complete and total TMI that comes with the territory of talking about trying for a loin fruit.* But whatever, right? I talked about spewing a tiny person from my vagina, so talking about something so innocent as an egg (or lack thereof) is comparatively tame.
So I both chart and use the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM). That means that I generally know the exact day I ovulated, exactly how long each phase of my cycle is, and just generally am pretty in touch with my body. The CBEFM measures two different hormones in your body, and tells you which days you have high fertility and which days are peak fertility. Generally, you get a few days of high, followed by a couple days of peak, followed by another high day. For instance, last cycle I had high readings on CD 13 and 14, peak readings on CD 15 and 16, and a high reading on CD 17. I ovulated on CD 15. The cycle before that I had a high on CD 16, peak on CD 17 and 18, and high on CD 19, with ovlulation on CD 18. The cycle before that, I didn't have the monitor, but I didn't ovluate until CD 23. Today is cycle day 19 and I haven't even gotten a high reading yet.
My cycles were getting MORE regular and MORE typical, and then this cycle all of the sudden is going back to late ovulation. If I even ovulate at all. Stressing about it probably isn't helping (don't you know that all you need to do to make a baby is relax and have fun? Or, more likely, be 17 and in the back of a Chevy), but dude. You need an EGG if you want a BABY. And my g-d ovaries aren't reasing their little prisoner! Come on, you little bitches. Just one. Give me my egg! It's mine! You can't friggin' keep it from me!
Anyway, so that's frustrating me.
And then I was thinking about getting pregnant at all, and I realized that holy mother of god, I don't want to go through all that again. I want to jump right ahead to 20 weeks. I don't want a freaking poppyseed. I want a cantalope. I worked my way to a cantalope and I want my damn cantalope! You really should be able to just jump ahead to where you were pushed off track. Look, dude, I didn't ASK to leave the baby train. I was forcibly removed! I should get a free pass to get back on at the same stop I got off at. It was a long enough trip there. Do I really have to start all the way at the beginning again??
And on top of that, there's a mother fucking mosquito biting me in my own house! You don't belong in here! Get out!
So yeah. Frustrated would be my word of the day.
On the plus side, I had some really awesome coconut bonbons over the weekend. But now they're gone. So back to frustrated.
*Is loin fruit the best way you've ever heard of to refer to children, or THE BEST WAY you've ever heard of to refer to children??
And now in our second month, I haven't ovulated yet. Hello, world of complete and total TMI that comes with the territory of talking about trying for a loin fruit.* But whatever, right? I talked about spewing a tiny person from my vagina, so talking about something so innocent as an egg (or lack thereof) is comparatively tame.
So I both chart and use the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor (CBEFM). That means that I generally know the exact day I ovulated, exactly how long each phase of my cycle is, and just generally am pretty in touch with my body. The CBEFM measures two different hormones in your body, and tells you which days you have high fertility and which days are peak fertility. Generally, you get a few days of high, followed by a couple days of peak, followed by another high day. For instance, last cycle I had high readings on CD 13 and 14, peak readings on CD 15 and 16, and a high reading on CD 17. I ovulated on CD 15. The cycle before that I had a high on CD 16, peak on CD 17 and 18, and high on CD 19, with ovlulation on CD 18. The cycle before that, I didn't have the monitor, but I didn't ovluate until CD 23. Today is cycle day 19 and I haven't even gotten a high reading yet.
My cycles were getting MORE regular and MORE typical, and then this cycle all of the sudden is going back to late ovulation. If I even ovulate at all. Stressing about it probably isn't helping (don't you know that all you need to do to make a baby is relax and have fun? Or, more likely, be 17 and in the back of a Chevy), but dude. You need an EGG if you want a BABY. And my g-d ovaries aren't reasing their little prisoner! Come on, you little bitches. Just one. Give me my egg! It's mine! You can't friggin' keep it from me!
Anyway, so that's frustrating me.
And then I was thinking about getting pregnant at all, and I realized that holy mother of god, I don't want to go through all that again. I want to jump right ahead to 20 weeks. I don't want a freaking poppyseed. I want a cantalope. I worked my way to a cantalope and I want my damn cantalope! You really should be able to just jump ahead to where you were pushed off track. Look, dude, I didn't ASK to leave the baby train. I was forcibly removed! I should get a free pass to get back on at the same stop I got off at. It was a long enough trip there. Do I really have to start all the way at the beginning again??
And on top of that, there's a mother fucking mosquito biting me in my own house! You don't belong in here! Get out!
So yeah. Frustrated would be my word of the day.
On the plus side, I had some really awesome coconut bonbons over the weekend. But now they're gone. So back to frustrated.
*Is loin fruit the best way you've ever heard of to refer to children, or THE BEST WAY you've ever heard of to refer to children??
Monday, June 28, 2010
Keep on keepin' on
Nothing really worth blogging about has happened recently. I'm almost mostly good. I am still sad. I still cry sometimes. I am excited to try again. I'm terrified to try again. I have pretty much had to cut one specific person out of my life and avoid her (not you, Rachel! Love you!) because I can't stand hearing about or seeing her pregnant. She's quickly approaching the time when we lost Caleb, and seeing her pass by that date is going to be a stab in the heart. If I'm entirely honest, I'm not excited for her. The jealousy and the feeling of unfairness has completely overshadowed any bit of excitement that should exist. Part of it is just who it is...there are other women who are having babies who I AM excited for. Still jealous of, yes, but there exists at least a modicum of excitement as well. Just not for this one person. It's just too unfair.
Chris and I are having a "debate" about when to start trying again. We were cleared to go after three cycles, but he wants to wait four just to be sure. My number one huge gigantic goal is to be pregnant by Caleb's due date, and if we wait four we won't hit that goal. It's unlikely that we'll get lucky enough to hit it waiting three cycles, and with four cycles it's impossible. He can't understand why it means so much to me to be pregnant again by that specific date, and I can't understand why he thinks waiting another cycle will be any safer. Since I need his cooperation, we'll probably wait four. But I'm continuing to try to convince him otherwise. I need some sort of bribery! Sex won't work (I won't have sex with you unless you have sex with me???). He buys himself all the gadgets and electronics he wants. Maybe clean, folded laundry every day so he doesn't have to root through a laundry basket for a pair of boxers? Putting on the "good wife" apron for a little while might just do it.
I just wish that the world wasn't chock full of reminders about what I lost. Example: Yesterday I went to the Summer Arts Festival - a local street fair - with my family, and not only was it apparently Pregnant Women Day, but the entire festival reminded me that last year when we went, Chris and I had just decided to try for a baby later that year so I went with the mindset of finding things for a nursery and child's room. Seeing those same booths this year - the wooden train here, the rubber ducky painting here - was such a slap in the face. HAHA! fate seemed to say, HAHA! Get excited about having a baby and be confident that you'll have one by this time next year and I'll show you!
Yeah, well, curse words and inappropriate hand gesture to you, fate. You sure showed me!
Chris and I are having a "debate" about when to start trying again. We were cleared to go after three cycles, but he wants to wait four just to be sure. My number one huge gigantic goal is to be pregnant by Caleb's due date, and if we wait four we won't hit that goal. It's unlikely that we'll get lucky enough to hit it waiting three cycles, and with four cycles it's impossible. He can't understand why it means so much to me to be pregnant again by that specific date, and I can't understand why he thinks waiting another cycle will be any safer. Since I need his cooperation, we'll probably wait four. But I'm continuing to try to convince him otherwise. I need some sort of bribery! Sex won't work (I won't have sex with you unless you have sex with me???). He buys himself all the gadgets and electronics he wants. Maybe clean, folded laundry every day so he doesn't have to root through a laundry basket for a pair of boxers? Putting on the "good wife" apron for a little while might just do it.
I just wish that the world wasn't chock full of reminders about what I lost. Example: Yesterday I went to the Summer Arts Festival - a local street fair - with my family, and not only was it apparently Pregnant Women Day, but the entire festival reminded me that last year when we went, Chris and I had just decided to try for a baby later that year so I went with the mindset of finding things for a nursery and child's room. Seeing those same booths this year - the wooden train here, the rubber ducky painting here - was such a slap in the face. HAHA! fate seemed to say, HAHA! Get excited about having a baby and be confident that you'll have one by this time next year and I'll show you!
Yeah, well, curse words and inappropriate hand gesture to you, fate. You sure showed me!
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