Last picture

While uploading the pictures from Aruba, I discovered the last picture of me pregnant, taken four days before my water broke and nine days before Caleb was born:


I have such mixed emotions while seeing it. One, holy belly, Batman! I didn't remember it being so large - I guess because it grew over five months. But seeing it reinforces the fact that I WAS pregnant. Sometimes it feels like a dream, but looking at the picture, seeing myself with a pregnant stomach...yes, I was. Two, since I didn't realize I'd been so belly-licious, I didn't realize my body had already changed so much since giving birth. Compared to that I'm supermodel belly flat. Of course, compared to a supermodel, I might as well still be five months pregnant, but still. Three, I wish I'd known everything that was about to happen so I could prepare. I never got to take a 19 week picture. I was on bedrest when that milestone came about.

Check out the difference between 17 and 18 weeks...Caleb must have had a growth spurt that week!


Sigh. I miss being pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not wishing or praying hard enough for this all to not have happened and to still be pregnant. I'd give up everything I own to have him safe in my belly again.

Devastated

This is the most difficult thing I've ever written.

On Wednesday, April 7, at 2am, my water broke.

I was 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

We immediately went to the emergency room, where it was confirmed via ultrasound that there was no fluid left.

The prognosis we received is not good. Most women deliver within 48 hours of their water breaking, and the vast majority of those who don't deliver immediately will within 10 days. Only 1-2% go on to deliver after a date when the baby could live outside the womb. We were admitted to the hospital and placed on bedrest. I received antibiotics for the entire two days we were there and IV fluids the first day. Baby and I were checked out every four hours - temperature, blood pressure, heartrate, etc. We received a second ultrasound Thursday morning. Baby continued to have a heartbeat, and this time they were able to measure fluid at a level of 1.4 (normal is 8-20). The doctor cautioned us that it was possible this was due to a different ultrasound technician or a better quality machine, but that it was something. And at this point, ANYTHING was cause for celebration. After we passed that 48 hour mark without delivering and appearing stable, we were discharged for strict bedrest at home.

I'm now at home counting every day that passes. Our first goal - 48 hours - has passed. Our next goal is the 10 day mark, which will be the 17th of April. After passing that, we'll be hoping and praying that we can make the 24 week mark, when our little baby would have a fighting chance of surviving.

Our big hurdles now are to prevent infection and to stay out of labor. I'm doing everything I can on both of those ends - staying laying down, drinking tons of fluids, saying my daily positive affirmations, taking lots of vitamins, and talking to other women who have experienced this who HAVE had a positive outcome. It's hard to stay positive with such slim chances, but we're clinging to that hope.

Be prepared for TMI about bodily functions and pregnancy:

The bleeding WILL stop.
My uterus WILL stay calm and relaxed.
My cervix WILL stay long and closed.
My amniotic sac WILL repair and replenish fluid.
I WILL stay infection-free.
Our baby WILL stay healthy and strong.

Chris has been absolutely amazing. He's taking such good care of me - I could never have imagined. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else by my side. I'm lucky to have a strong family support system as well.

Anyone who stumbles across this blog, please send thoughts, prayers, positive vibes to me, to our baby, and to our family. I don't care if it's God, Buddha, your personal happy thoughts, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster....we will greedily and eagerly accept and welcome them all.

REALLY, Chewie?

I am sick of writing about blood and bleeding and spotting. So I'm not going to any more. Instead, I'm going to say "daffodils." Because it's spring!

Thanks to a huge gush of daffodils last night, I landed in the doctor's office AGAIN today. Granted, I've had some daffodils on and off this entire pregnancy, and Chewie Optimus Prime has been fine so far (according to that strong heartbeat). However, this was more daffodils than I've ever seen in my life in one big gush, so I was understandably freaked out. I called the doctor first thing this morning (after barely sleeping and many hours spent contemplating an ER trip) and they got us in right away. One concern was that since it was a gush (think water balloon bursting) that my water may have broken. The end result, after much prodding, was that they could definitely see daffodils all over the place (no surprise, since that's been evident for a while), but that (thank god) the water hadn't broken. In order to try to pinpoint a cause of all these daffodils, they moved our ultrasound up from next Friday, the 16th (11 days away) to THIS THURSDAY, the 8th (three days away!). She wasn't entirely happy about the change - they prefer to do the big ultrasound as close to 20 weeks as possible - but really wants to see if they can find out what's going on.

I feel like there aren't quite enough parenthesis in that paragraph.

()()()()((((()))))))((((((((((())))))))))()()()()(((())))((((())))((((((())

(()))()()()))))(((()))

(

)

Ok, done. Out of my system.

Anyway, so big ultrasound on Thursday. Praying that they can figure out where the heck all these daffodils are coming from. Hoping that Chewie is healthy and looking good. And keeping my fingers crossed that baby decides to put on a big show for us and show us that cheeseburger or, um...not cheeseburger.

18 weeks

Well, Chewie Optimus Prime H., we've reached 18 weeks. We're sooooo close to that 20 week mark. I can't tell you how impatient I am to get to April 16! Only 14 days left until we find out if you're Miss Chewie Optimus Prime or Mister Chewie Optimus Prime. And only 14 days left until we've reached the halfway mark! It's really hard for me to believe that the halfway point between December and September is APRIL. April seems much closer to December than it does to September.

I'm still waiting for you to make your presence known to me by giving me a good kick. I know it's common to not feel anything until even 22 weeks, but there are a lot of people on the boards that have been feeling their babies for weeks now, and I want to join that club! I've tried drinking orange juice, pressing my stomach in certain spots, jumping jacks....and the results of that are generally just having to pee. There have been a few times that I thought, "Wait! Was that something??" But I can't tell for sure...and it's hard to enjoy it if the chances are equally likely that it might have been gas!

In three weeks we leave for Aruba. My only hope for that trip is that my stomach rounds out and I start looking actually pregnant so I can be one of those darling pregnant bikini girls. Because if I put on a bikini right now, I'd just be a gross fat chick.

Sunday is Easter (or Zombie Jesus Day) and it will mark the first time most of the family will see me actually looking pregnant (The Belly looks much better in clothes than it does without). Since at least one family member has already told me I look gross (thanks, Mo) it will be interesting to see the reactions.

17 weeks

Not much to update on the baby front here....I definitely have a belly, though.

Hopefully it gets a little rounder and less...fat looking soon. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and all sounded good - hearing the heartbeat is always amazing, and insanely, I was actually able to feel my uterus about an inch below my belly button after the midwife pointed it out. That's just weird. It's like...I don't know what it's like. It's like I'm growing a human or something. In a space that wasn't there before.

Chris and I have kind of started talking about names. Boy names are going to be a challenge. Chris really likes Riley, but that might just be because, oh, I don't know...he's used to the name since it's OUR DOG'S NAME ALREADY. Yeah, that is *not* going on the list. He's not a fan of my top boy names - Caleb, Cale, Colby, Levi, Rhys, Ryder. For girls we both like Annika, which I love because it'd honor both my mom Ann and his sister Ana. Plus, it's cute with lots of nickname potential. I also love Alice Anna (YES THEY HAVE TO BE TOGETHER), Annelise, Anneli, Briony, Ellery, and Elodie. It will be interesting to see if we stay settled on Annika. I won't say it's my FAVORITE off the list, but it's one of them.

The next big thing now is Friday, April 16, when we find out if we even need to worry about boy's names, or if it's a little Annika Bananika cooking away in there. After that, it's Aruba on April 23 and then the next milestone is May 14, which will be viability day (meaning that if, god forbid, the baby should be born that day there's a good chance for survival). That's only 24 weeks...can you believe a baby born at 24 weeks can survive? Insanity. Yet they still haven't figured out a good male birth control...hmmm.

15 weeks!

Wow...I can't believe I went from 13 weeks to 15 weeks since I last posted. Truly, it's been going pretty quickly since 9 or so weeks, and I hope that trend continues! I am counting down the days (35!) until I next get to see Bowser and find out if it's a Chris, Junior or Little Lara incubating in there.

This week - actually just the last couple of days - I've really felt legitimately pregnant. No symptoms or anything, but just the fact that 15 weeks feels pretty solidly into this thing, and like it's okay to be showing, and like OH MY GOD there might actually probably be a baby at the end of all this. It's an exciting feeling.

I just got back from Vegas yesterday, after spending the week with Darbi and other photographers. Let me tell you...Vegas at 29 and pregnant is a very different experience than Vegas at 22 and drunk. Not that I've been to Vegas at 22 and drunk, but I've been there at 25 and drunk, so close. But we saw some girls dancing and drinking and acting like a damn fool, and I have never felt so far away from the point in life where they are. Half of me feels like I'm about to become a teen mom statistic (though I'm 10 years past that) and half of me feel ancient (my first baby at 30?).

I'm now anxiously awaiting the next huge milestones...feeling the baby move, which hopefully should happen in the next two weeks; the 20 week ultrasound; finding out if it's a boy or girl....and holy cow, I can't wait.

13 weeks - and an ultrasound!

Yesterday I officially entered the second trimester AND had the best day of this pregnancy so far - Chris and I got to see the baby! We had our NT scan (which screens for abnormalities like Down's Syndrome or Trisomy 13/18), and part of the screening involved an ultrasound. It was the first time Chris has gotten to see the baby, and he was memorized. Little Bowser was doing all sorts of acrobatics - flipping around, bouncing up and down, waving...it was absolutely amazing. I can't TELL you how amazing. I wish we had a video of it. Here's a picture of her or him waving:


For you non-ultrasound techs out there, the head is the oval on the left, the body is the larger oval on the lower right, and the little arm is sticking out of the body at a 90 degree angle, with the hand by the face.

Or here's the annotated version for those of you who still see gray and black blotches against a gray and black background:


I'll add more pictures when I actually get the pics scanned instead of just taking a picture of a picture with my phone.

We also scheduled our next ultrasound, where, if baby cooperates, we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl!! April 16!

13 weeks

On Monday, I'll officially be out of the first trimester, no matter which calendar you use. You'd think after ten thousand years of humanity there would be some set standard, but no...apparently every site and doctor calculates it differently. Some sites say 12 weeks, some say 13, some say 13 weeks 3 days, and some say the end of 13 weeks. One even says 14 weeks 5 days, but I'm ignoring that entirely. The standard seems to be 13 weeks 3 days, so I'm going with that calculation. So MONDAY! Monday is also a huge day for us because it's the day of our first official ultrasound. Obviously I had one at 6 weeks for the ER visit, but Chris wasn't there, and let's be honest....it was essentially a jelly bean. A jelly bean with a heartbeat, yes, but still a jelly bean. Assuming all goes well, this time we should see a baby! A miniature, three inch baby. I could not be more excited...and nervous. This ultrasound checks for chromosomal abnormalities like Down's Syndrome. While we have no history of anything like that on either side of our families (well, Chris's cousin, but that might be more of a twin complication than anything else), it's still completely nerve wracking to wait for the results. Chris and I haven't really talked too much about what we'd do if there were abnormal results. I think if the results strongly indicated that there could be an issue, we'd move forward with an amnio. And if that also indicated a problem? God forbid...but I don't know. We'll cross that bridge when (hopefully never) we come to it.

What else? I'm DEFINITELY showing. Before, I could write it off as bloat. But now...well, the top of my stomach under my chest is starting to pop out a big. There's a hard little area just above my belly button - I know it's not the baby yet, but I'm assuming that some organ has decided to come vacation under my ribs.

Lastly, on Tuesday I got to hear the heartbeat at the doctor's. I had bright red spotting (this kid is really gunning for the pony) over the weekend, and while I was initially able to reassure myself by finding the heartbeat with the doppler, on Monday night I could no longer find it. Obviously, I panicked. I'd just been able to find it that morning...what could possibly have changed in less than 12 hours that would suddenly make me not be able to hear it? The last three or four times I'd tried, I'd been able to locate it in less than five minutes. On Monday night I tried for 30 or 40 minutes and couldn't find it. I won't go into detail about the crying fits I went through that day and the next day, but needless to say there were quite a bit. I called the doctor Tuesday morning, honestly expecting to hear them reassure me that the home doppler might not be as sensitive or that the baby might have moved, but instead the nurse asked me to come in as soon as possible. Honestly, that was not the response I expected at all and it absolutely terrified me. You'd think after the pain at 6 weeks and the spotting at 8 and being reassured that everything was okay despite those issues that I'd start to be less nervous, but no. Apparently you start to get attached to the little tumor growing inside you as the days go on...who knew?

I got to the appointment and met another of the midwives, who was supposed to be Pam, but in retrospect I don't think that's what her nametag said. If only there was a way I could use my computer to look it up....too bad no one has invented a way to keep information accessible, say over a global system of networked computers, via just a few keystokes. I'll just have to use my Jedi mind power instead. A ha! Her name was Heather. I really liked her a lot. Neither Chris nor my mom could go to the appointment, so I called Carol and she was able to meet me. Thank god, because if it had been bad news, I don't think I would have been able to be by myself. Pam Heather put the doppler on my belly and after a few minutes, the room filled up with the amazing, wonderful sound of the baby's heartbeat. Holy cow, I was so relieved.

So now, I just wait until Monday to hopefully see that all is well with the little one. Keep growing, baby!