I don't know why, but this week has been really hard. I made it past Caleb's due date, and it was hard, but I survived. A couple weeks later our good friends had their baby girl, and I'm just thrilled for them. Insanely jealous, of course, but I think that's to be expected. I love seeing pictures of her.
But for some reason, I've just been really emotional and sad this week. I don't know exactly why. I know I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant yet. I know I'm sad that I don't have a newborn. I know I'm sad that I never got to complain about stretch marks or swollen ankles. I know I'm so frustrated that all these sixteen-year-old girls with no jobs and no insurance and no support keep getting pregnant. I know that I'm just so stressed and mad at work and every day that I'm there reminds me that I was going to quit after the baby was born and work from home on my own business, and take care of the baby. I know that I see babies and pregnant women everywhere and while it no longer sends a knife thought my heart, I still think about how unfair it is that it's a breeze for most women, but the women who seem to want it the most have to fight for it the hardest, and some of them never achieve it. I know that I got in a fight with Chris yesterday and started crying and couldn't stop and I'm crying now and I have to suck it up and stop because I need to leave for an engagement shoot in seven minutes.
My surgery is in just a few days, and I'm so excited. Not scared, yet. Talk to me again when they're coming at me with a scalpel and I might feel differently. But not yet. I'm excited, but I'm worried. For the vast majority of women who get the TAC placed pre-pregnancy, there's absolutely no impact on their ability to concieve. But for a very few number, it does seem to make it more difficult. I should be able to relax in comfort knowing that almost everyone is able to go on and have a baby with no problem, but once you're on the losing side of statistics, you never find numbers comforting again.
God, I just want to be pregnant. I just want a baby. Sigh.
Lara, I could have written this post myself SOO many times. I still feel a huge number of those emotions on a daily basis. You are going to be an AMAZING mother! For some of us unfortunate ones, it just takes a little longer... It totally sucks but when it happens it's going to be THAT much sweeter. I hope you keep up the positivity as surgery gets closer - a couple of weeks and you'll be back on - ahem - "the horse" of TTC. I love you girl!!!!! Keep everyone posted from the hospital!!
ReplyDeleteLara - Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you! We obviously aren't to the TTC stage yet, so I can't say that I know what you're going through, but I can imagine that it's terribly frustrating... I know you'll be blessed with your second baby SOON! I will be thinking and praying for you during your surgery!!
ReplyDelete((hugs))
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts, Lara. I hope you get pregnant soon and I hope all your wishes are granted. As for myself, I'm glad we've decided to wait and remove that pressure. When we get there, I plan on going to support meetings for girls TTCAL. Maybe you can find something like that to help you air your emotions? The only drawback is that there might be pregnant ladies there...
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