Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Sometimes I am overwhelmed with fear that this will happen again.  I think anyone who has suffered miscarriage or pregnancy loss or infant loss goes through the same emotions. It's occasionally enough to make me not want to try again. To just give up.  But what if? What if it doesn't happen again? And what if I missed out on beautiful, wonderful children because I was scared?


But what if it does? Would I be okay? Would Chris be okay? What would we do? My heart shattered on April 12 and it doesn't quite fit back together the way it did before. If it broke into a million pieces again, would I be able to put the shards back together this time?

Does that thought ever go away? I hate that I can't take comfort in the things most women do.  I just want to be naive again. I heard the heartbeat. I made it into the second trimester. I was days away from being halfway through the pregnancy. If I get pregnant again, will there come a day when I'm able to relax and consider the possibility of bringing an actual baby home with me, and not just a box of memories?  At this point I can't imagine it.


  1. I have been struggling with this too. I literally cannot imagine what it would be like to bring a baby home. I have no fear of bringing home a live baby, I've been a baby nurse, I know what to do with them...but I can't imagine walking through the front door with MY CHILD in my arms. And then I worry that this is a, what if I NEVER DO walk through my front door with my kid in my arms? What if it never happens again? I have always imagined myself with what if it doesn't happen? This is my biggest fear. Aidan's pregnancy did not make me not want to try for another one...but it certainly made it much harder to imagine it ever working out with a happy ending.
    Crossing everything I have that we both get that happy ending sooner rather than later.

  2. *hugs* Going through multiple losses now, somehow, someway I am surviving. There are days that I am not sure how. The thought does NOT go away. I firmly believe though deep down in my heart that you WILL bring your next baby home with you <3

  3. After suffering infant loss we were so scared to try again to have another baby. It took us 2 years before we had a surprise pregnancy that gave us the "ok." And then that pregnancy ended in our first of three miscarriages in a year.

    The wisest advice I ever got was "when your desire to hold your child in your arms is stronger than your fear of losing again" is when you are ready.

    Sadly, there are no promises and life isn't fair :( Sometimes the most deserving of happiness and easy lives are the ones who are forced to suffer the most.

    Lots of hugs.

  4. I think it will be nearly impossible to not worry our way through subsequent pregnancies. Even when we pass the point where we lost our baby(ies), we now know far too much about everything that can go wrong.

    From what I've heard from other BLM's who have had a healthy baby after losing one, the pregnancy is full of fear, but it is so worth it in the end.

    I've also wondered how I could ever survive losing another child, but then I realize that I've done it before and I can do it again. At least this time, I will have a support system in place. I will be in a place that I have been before, but this time with the knowledge that I will survive, that things do get better and that life does go on. Of course, if it happens again, the devastation will be huge.

  5. I would love to tell you that it gets easier, but for me it has gotten harder. The kicks help ease my anxiety a little. Once he stops to take a nap though I freak out. I try to have the attitude that we're hoping for the best, but know the worst. We know how we handle a loss.

  6. HUGS, it will happen. it may not be be filled with rainbows and puppies the first part, but lots of worry, but it will happen. you have to believe. i know it's hard. but your love and your strength will carry you through. try to trust, try to relax, try to breathe. it will be okay. one day, one hour at a time.

  7. I just found your blog, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I read Caleb's birth story and it broke my heart. I have had a miscarriage, and although I wasn't as far along as you were, I know that feeling of devastation. My miscarriage happened a year ago, and I'm actually pregnant again right now, so I thought I could offer you some thoughts on that. It ISN'T easy - it might be the hardest thing you ever do. Even after I passed the point where I lost the last baby, I still worried all the time. Each appointment would give me some reassurance, then the doubts would creep back in a couple of days later. Even now that I can feel the baby kick..well, babies sleep and sometimes they just don't feel like doing as much on a given day, and that's torture for us pregnant after a loss ladies. Pregnancy will never be the same again for us, but it's worth trying again if you really do want a child. You will know when the time is right.

    I have a website called Angel Bracelets, and I was wondering if I could publish Caleb's story there? We have an Angel Stories page where we publish stories of lost babies. In addition we support numerous pregnancy and infant loss organizations through our memorial bracelets. I started this website after my miscarriage, because I wanted to help other people who'd been through a loss.

  8. What I went through is nothing in comparison, however I had 2 miscarriages and cannot for the life of me stop worrying that it will just happen again. It sucks that it takes that "happy naive glow" away! Thinking of you!

  9. Pink, you are more than welcome to share the story on your site. I've seen it and I think you're doing amazing things! I would be honored.

  10. Lara, I found your blog through a mutual friend. I don't have much to say that will really help but I would love to share a tidbit of my story with you as it might help. I lost a pregnancy last year at 12 weeks. I know what it's like to be past the date where you feel like you have to worry only to have things go very differently than you anticipated. For me, I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to be pregnant again. I conceived again within two months and my sweet little boy turned 6 months yesterday! I can't lie and say that the second pregnancy was easy or that I didn't worry constantly. But I know it did encourage me every time I heard someone say they had lost a baby and then had a successful pregnancy afterward. I have faith for you and look forward to hearing more of your story as it progresses.

  11. i'm terrified myself. every day. but i have to keep hoping, and even if this pregnancy goes wrong i need to try again. even if it never happens for us i need to know i tried, that i gave us every chance of a living child.

    i don't think i'll ever stop worrying. even if i have a full term healthy baby. but maybe it'll calm down a little.

  12. Like all of you, I'm so, so scared. But Lara, you have a plan of action now, and in some way, I hope that this is comforting. I won't be ready to TTC for a long time, but when I do, I have a plan to try to prevent going into premature labout again (progesterone shots). That gives me a bit of comfort and hope. I cross my fingers for you. xo

  13. I'd love to say it doesn't go away, but let's live in reality, yes? Sucky as reality might be?

    When my partner got pregnant with our second son, I don't think either of us breathed until he did. Even then, we spent his first year (well, first, what is he, 19 months and some weeks) worrying about some sort of lightning bolt firing down from heaven to take away our new happiness. I'm 9 and a half weeks pregnant now, my first pregnancy, and while it's been totally trouble free, I look at the TP every time, thinking there'll be blood, wait for each cramp to presage something horrible...

    But I also marvel at everything my living son does, wonder at every sonogram and the pictures of the rapidly beating hearts of our two new babies growing inside me.

    It never goes away, but it does get tempered by yet more of that damned "experience" people who've never lost a child always say is so healthy for you. Sometimes they're actually right, shocking though that may seem!