Sometimes I am overwhelmed with fear that this will happen again. I think anyone who has suffered miscarriage or pregnancy loss or infant loss goes through the same emotions. It's occasionally enough to make me not want to try again. To just give up. But what if? What if it doesn't happen again? And what if I missed out on beautiful, wonderful children because I was scared?
But what if it does? Would I be okay? Would Chris be okay? What would we do? My heart shattered on April 12 and it doesn't quite fit back together the way it did before. If it broke into a million pieces again, would I be able to put the shards back together this time?
Does that thought ever go away? I hate that I can't take comfort in the things most women do. I just want to be naive again. I heard the heartbeat. I made it into the second trimester. I was days away from being halfway through the pregnancy. If I get pregnant again, will there come a day when I'm able to relax and consider the possibility of bringing an actual baby home with me, and not just a box of memories? At this point I can't imagine it.