I've always loved baby things, and started keeping a bookmark folder full of things I loved - toys, nursery decor, clothes, furniture - well before I was pregnant. Like maybe two years before I got pregnant (don't tell my husband!!). I came close to deleting it after Caleb died, but instead just renamed it and moved it so I wouldn't see it every day. After a month or so, I started slowly saving new things to it. Just one here, one there...but it was a start.
Yesterday I got an email that Threadless was having one of their rare $10 sales. Threadless is a community-based t-shirt design company, and on any given day there's a 90% chance that either my brother or my sister is wearing one of their t-shirts and a 60% chance that they both are (sometimes the same design). I don't wear t-shirts, but when I discovered that they sell onsies and kid's tees, I was beyond excited. So cute! When I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, I started stalking the Threadless site, waiting for one of those sales. The sale never happened in the five months that I was pregnant, so Caleb never got his Threadless onsies.
When I got the email, my heart leapt - and then sank. I had no reason to buy them.
But then. Then I had a revelation. Last time I was so cautious. I did everything "right." And a fat lot of good that did me. So screw it. I was going to take advantage of that $10 sale. And I was going to do it now, before the designs I loved so much went out of production.
And I did. I bought my next baby some onesies and some baby tees. I can't worry about what might happen next time. I am going to fully embrace the next pregnancy and the next baby and not be so superstitious. World, you will know when I'm pregnant the second the pee dries on the stick. I'm not wasting a moment before celebrating.
And maybe I'll have another loss. Maybe there won't be a next baby. I hope there will, but maybe there won't. And if that happens...well, I suppose the clothes will go to a niece or nephew. But I can't let that fear control me. I did last time, and I regret it.
So yes. I bought my as-of-yet-nonexistent-2nd-baby some clothes. And it felt great.
*I kind of love the idea that the next baby will have hand-me-downs from his or her older brother - just like in a regular, non-dead-baby family!
I know exactly what you mean. As I've explained over and over on my blog, I was 'good' and didn't celebrate. Somehow this magically should have protected me from losing Aidan. It's logical, it should have worked. But, now that Aidan is dead I feel kind of sad...like I SHOULD have celebrated him more when I had the chance. He was precious...he deserved celebrating. Why did I fail him in this? So yes, *next time* (assuming there is one...and I am), I hope to be more 'carefree', more celebratory. So, good for you...rock on with those awesome t-shirts.
ReplyDeleteOh and P.S. How the hell do you not wear T-shirts? Ever? Really? Are you a nudist?
Beautiful post. I love the fact that the items you have stashed away truly are "hand-me-downs". And what a great thing to be able to tell Caleb's younger sibling/s... I can just picture you sitting there someday with your little one flipping through a photo album of their babyhood, "Here's one of you wearing some of your brother Caleb's clothes." What great dialogue you will have.
ReplyDeleteHaha, Emily. I wear t-shirts to bed! But I have this weird thing about needing to show a bit of cleavage in real shirts. It's probably because I'm a huge whore, but seriously...if the neckline is too high I don't like it. I have a few v-neck t-shirts that I wear, but hardly ever wear regular tees. Weird, I know!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I think that's a great place to be in. It took me a really long time to find a similar place.
ReplyDeleteYou've already been cheated out of so much, you should not cheat yourself out of one single moment of happiness and hope. ((HUGS))
Your statement about hand-me-downs is spot-on. I've saved the few items I have (same story...waited until I had my ultrasound at 21 weeks, bought a few things, got a few presents from parents and then went into labor at 23 weeks but boxed it and stored it at my parents) and for the last 2.5 months have wondered if I would feel right dressing a baby in what was supposed to be my first-born's clothes. Anyway, your justification really really works for me and slightly modified my original plan.
ReplyDeleteAlso, totally concur on the celebrating from second 1 next time...in the same boat!
Thanks!
I so agree with everything you just said. It's hard to not have the fear, but we don't have to dwell on it. I too feel that every moment will be even more of a celebration next time around, and I hope we get that next time soon. It's good to make plans and have happiness in it. :)
ReplyDeleteLara,
ReplyDeleteI agree about the showing a bit of clevage. I will wear T-shirts, but I like shirts better when they are v-necks and show off my (ample, ahem) clevage. I guess I still consider those t-shits though. Pretty much anything that goes on top, that is made out of cotton and has short sleeves I consider a t-shirt. I guess my definition is just looser than yours.
Thank you so much for sharing your (and Caeleb's) story. My husband and I recently lost our first little one as a result of miscarriage, and reading your words reminded me of thoughts I had when I was pregnant. I didn't tell anyone except my husband (and the doctor, of course) that I was pregnant...until I wasn't anymore. I had a cousin whose due date is 6 days after what mine "should" have been, and she was telling the world about her pregnancy at 6 weeks. Like you, I thought if I didn't tell, we would be safe. But now, I've decided that next time (just like you), I'll share the news as soon as I find out.
ReplyDeleteEven though our losses are different, I'm always comforted by how similar the feelings are surrounding the loss of a baby. Thanks again, for sharing your heart, and I'm so glad you bought the shirts!
I found you on TheBump and really admire you courage and excitement in sharing your big news (when it happens again) when you find out. We decided this time around we are going to be much more guarded, but you give me a different perspective. Thank you.
ReplyDeletethis whole post made me smile, including the comments, lol. i really needed that laugh after being teary-eyed reading all the other blogs tonight!
ReplyDeletesorry i have not been commenting or emailing... trying to catch up on your blog tonight, hope you are well sweetie!
if you want, you should add me to fb, my button is on my blogpage.
xo