Thursday, July 29, 2010

Life, as it happens.

Since having a huge, epic cry over finding out that our "friend" is having a boy, I've been doing pretty good. And I have to give a shout out to Chris (who doesn't read this, but I still feel the need to give props) for dealing with me that night. I know he didn't quite understand where I was coming from, but he just let me cry and held me, which is exactly what I needed. And in the morning, I felt better. I won't say I'm entirely at peace with the fact that they're having a son (and that she's blogging about "folding cute, little clothes for my special little gift to come.") but I got most of the emotions out during TearFest July 2010 and have been feeling pretty great since then.

I've talked a little bit before about our plans for any future pregnancies and what we've been doing thus far. I would wear a dirty diaper on my head if it meant that I would have a take-home baby in the future. I'd accessorize with air fresheners and glitter, but damn straight I'd rock that diaper 24/7 if it'd help. Hence the supplements I'm taking, the acupuncture I have scheduled for next week (so excited), the tests I've brow beaten my OB into performing, etc. Anything I can do to achieve a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby, I'll be all over.

That being said, I don't really know that my OB is on the same page as I am. I love her - she's very nice, extremely competent, and also very unworried. She's confident that it was just a fluke and that I don't need to make any changes for the next pregnancy, especially after all the tests came back normal. She's probably right. But I can't shake the feeling that I need to be doing SOMETHING proactive next time.

So today I called the Maternal-Fetal Medicine department (MFM) and scheduled a consultation. After my water broke, I saw one of the MFM doctors and he had mentioned that while not necessary, I could be a candidate for MFM care next time. Since I haven't felt 100% comfortable with the lack of action plan for next time (other than a couple extra checkups/ultrasounds), I want to explore my other options for care should I get pregnant again. I am not hoping for miracles; I don't think they'll be able to give me answers as to why this happened; I don't think they have some magic test that hasn't already been performed. I am hoping that they'll be more understanding and offer me weekly or bi-weekly checkups and ultrasounds to keep my mind at ease; that they might be more aggressive with treatments (even if unnecessary...if it can't hurt, I want to do it); that they might be more willing to work with an admittedly bat-shit-crazy-paranoid woman (a title which I loathe, but is well-earned).

I told Chris the other day that I have this sinking feeling that our journey isn't over yet and that this will happen to us again...that there is something wrong with me that the HSG and RPL screen didn't pick up. I'm sure that's coming from a place of pure terror and is normal when when something this devastating occurs for seemingly no reason. But in the back of my head, I can't help but think we have to go through this one more time before we get our take home baby. I hope not. I really, really hope that's not the case. I know people who have gone through this more than once and it's so fucking unfair. But they made it through...and I know that if it does, I can too. That being said, please god no.

Where's that crystal ball when you need it??


  1. I completely understand that fear! I feel like everyone around me probably thinks I am crazy too-but I don't care. I am scared to that if I don't do everything that I possibly can something may happen again. That fear is horrible! I hope your appointment goes well. If nothing else- maybe they can at least give you a little peace of mind knowing that you have taken all the steps possible to try to prevent anything from happening again.

  2. Hello. I'm so sorry about your son. I've been quietly following your blog because we both lost our sons somewhat near the same time. I don't have a blog but I was hoping I could ask you a question. Were you ever told the cause of your bleeding? Was it a subchorionic hemorrhage? I was diagnosed with one at 6 weeks and went into labor at 23 weeks and my son did not survive. I wish you the best and hope that you and your husband are doing as well as you can be.

    Thanks - Tracy

  3. I have the same fear. What if it does happen again?! I feel like there's so many things that can go wrong. Having a baby is more complicated than I thought... it's a miracle. I really hope your MFM will offer you weekly or bi-weekly visits. That would definitely bring some ease into any mom's head. If you find that crystal ball pass it over when your done with it :)

  4. T, I'm so sorry for your loss. They discussed subchorionic hematona and placental abruption as possible cause of the bleeding, but neither was able to be confirmed. If you have any questions at all or want to talk, my email is largirl (at) yahoo (dot) com and feel free to email me.

  5. I'm a new follower to your blog, but after a rough pregnancy with my daughter in 2008, I decided to see an MFM this time around with my son, Sawyer. I always felt silly going to these appointments because "I was fine." "Other women should see her, not me"
    Well, thank God I did. My son died, he had a severe heart defect - that no matter when he was born would have had the same outcome...but my doctor LISTENED to me. And if she didn't, I would have died trying to race back to the hospital to have my baby.
    I think you should absolutely follow your gut on this one...and your heart.

  6. Lara -- thank you for your honesty. Now four months after my loss, I am struggling with feelings of jealousy and hopelessness that seems to be getting worse than better. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Keep taking care of yourself.

  7. Definitely can relate as I feel these same fears myself. Praying for you and sending many hugs your way.

  8. To Tracy: I had an SCH diagnosed at 9 weeks and delivered my son at 23 weeks. If you want to chat my e-mail is

    To Lara: I'd rock that diaper hat with bells on if it would help. But I learned from this pregnancy that OBs generally have a really easy job. There is not much they can do, other than monitoring prior to viability.

  9. You are so damn brave. Who gives a what what "they" might think about your extra tests. You lost a baby and it was tragic and devestating and you want to do your best to make sure it doesn't happen again (despite the fact you have very limited control). I think if it makes you feel better to be proactive about your care, do it. No one is going to take extra care of you if you don't do it first.

    As for me, since believing in the power of nature and all that, I don't think I'd go for extra ultrasounds and monitoring just because there are precious few problems in pregnancy that you can actually control or manage. If I'm having a major freakout, I'll probably go for peace of mind, but I don't think I'd like to go to the doctor's office every two weeks to make sure everything is OK. But I'm not at that stage yet so I might feel differently later. I'm curous though - can you tell us more about your acupuncture? I'm considering it but I haven't made up my mind yet.