Somehow I thought day two would be easier.
It wasn't.
It might have been even harder.
I woke up crying.
I'm sure I'll go to bed crying.
A box of baby stuff I had ordered online was delivered. I couldn't for the life of me remember what I had ordered, and the box wasn't marked, so I was absolutely not mentally prepared when I opened it and saw a tiny sweater that Caleb was going to wear for Christmas (before I even knew he was Caleb), a onsie, and two pairs of shoes.
In between the crying jags, though, I have moments...even an hour or so...of normalcy. Like watching Lost with my brother. Talking about camping with my aunt. Looking at new couches and deck ideas online with Chris.
The time after those bouts is almost the most difficult, because I feel like somehow I'm dishonoring Caleb by having normal conversations. 48 hours later it already feels unreal. Did I really go through all that? Was I really even pregnant? Maybe this was all a bad dream.
I hope this was all a bad dream.
I'm so sorry hun. I know how you feel. I bought a onesie that said "My heart belongs to daddy" and that's how I told my husband. As soon as I lost the baby, I wanted to rip it to shreds and scream at the top of my lungs. I took it back immediately just so I wouldn't have to look at the thing.
ReplyDeleteGrieve. That's what everyone tells me to do. It's hard because you don't know how when so many people dont understand and the world keeps turning.
Hugs.
I've been following from the Bump and I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel you are dishonoring Caleb's memory by having normal discussions. You cannot grieve 24 hours a day, your body and mind is protecting itself by allowing you normal moments to adjust and calm down.
Take care of yourself. I can't even imagine the grief you are experiencing, and I hope you know how many people are praying for you and your husband right now.
I totally understand the whole feeling of is it a bad dream or not. That these past months were a total blur. You have so much strength.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you are getting a birth certificate for Caleb. I wish my Aurora was getting one.
Please take care. Our babies are playing together.