Moving forward

I had my final follow-up appointment yesterday, and I couldn't stop smiling after it. Not because I learned anything new or got the go-ahead to try again, but because they agreed to do some fairly aggressive testing to see if they can find a cause for what happened to Caleb. It's a very, very sad state of affairs in the miscarriage/pregnancy loss world - while testing on the tissue of the baby or placenta is common, it usually ends there and they don't do any testing on you until you've had three losses. Three. Can you imagine asking people to go through this three times? I mean, mentally I get it - I really do. One loss, a fluke. Two losses, shitty bad luck. Three, a pattern. But try telling that to a mother who already suffered through one loss. "I'm sorry, but you might have to go through this emotional hell two more times before we're able to investigate and look for a cause!" Especially for someone like me, where the autopsy and pathology of Caleb and the placenta came back normal, that's asking a lot. My baby was perfect and there was no reason for him to die; therefore, there must be something wrong with me that caused it (so goes the internal logic).

So I am absolutely thrilled that my doctor is pursuing additional testing. Seriously, I couldn't stop smiling yesterday. I am getting two tests done: On is the RPL screen, which tests for clotting disorders and autoimmune diseases that might cause pregnancy loss. I don't expect any of them to come back positive, but just knowing for sure that they aren't a factor will be a huge weight off my mind - especially because if they are an issue, they're so easily treatable (i.e. extra folic acid and baby aspirin!). It'd be such a huge shame to go through this again and find that just two extra pills a day could have prevented another loss.

The second is a hysterosonogram, or hysterosalpingogram, or sonohysterogram, or HSG, or some variation of that. I'm sure there are technical differences between each of those, but the terms tend to be used interchangeably in everyday use. This test will insert dye or saline into my uterus to expand it and allow a detailed ultrasound to be performed, which will rule out any issues like fibroids, structural problems, or scarring [a similar procedure is used to check your tubes if you're suffering infertility, but mine will be for my uterus]. Again, I don't expect them to find anything, but the knowledge that my baby maker is physically fine and theoretically can carry a baby to term will make my next pregnancy...please god, let there be a next one...so much easier. I mean, I'm still going to be freaking out until the baby is delivered full-term and alive and STAYS that way for more than twenty minutes, but I won't have those lingering questions in the back of my mind wondering if there was something wrong with me.

So yay for the twelve vials of blood that got drawn on Wednesday! Yay for my HSG appointment next Friday! Yay for peace of mind!

Oh, and a confession: I almost hope they find something small and easily treatable wrong with me, so I have something to blame and more importantly, something to fix for next time.