I spent the last week or so traveling; first to Philadelphia and then to St. Louis. I flew to Philly, but drove to St. Louis and back. About an hour into my trip home from St. Louis, I saw a pro-life billboard that said something like "You have one job...protect her and keep her safe." with a picture of a late-term fetus. And of course, there's nothing like seeing a billboard like that while driving by yourself with nothing to take your mind off it. Bring on the waves of guilt! I had one effing job to do...to keep my baby safe for nine months...and I failed spectacularly. He did his job; he was perfect. I didn't do mine. I was the only one who COULD keep him safe, and I'm the only one who failed. Once he was born, the task of keeping him safe and alive would be shared by dozens of people - Chris, relatives, babysitters, teachers, doctors. But for those 40 weeks, it all was on me. And I didn't pull through for him. Needless to say, I spent about an hour of the drive home crying uncontrollably.
After I'd finally pulled myself together, I stopped to eat and checked Facebook on my phone. The "friend" I've mentioned a few times (Sally) just keeps shocking me. There are so many things going back years that she's done that are thoughtless, but she's seemed to ramp it up since she became pregnant (or, more likely, I'm now more sensitive to it). She posted on about a big surprise...her first stretchmark. She emphasized that it was tiny and barely noticible, but said, and I quote, "It really is devastating." It took all my strength not to reply to her, "Sally, I don't think you actually know the definition of the word devastating." Or maybe, "Wow, if a stretch mark is devastating, what do you consider what happened to me?" Or maybe, "No, Sally, a stretch mark is not devastating. MAYBE disappointing. Certainly not devastating. Losing a baby? That's devastating." Or maybe just a simple, silent wish that she gets super fat and covered in stretch marks.
I'm sure you've heard it before, but I'll say it anyway. It was not your fault. You did everything in your power to keep Caleb safe. He knows you did.
ReplyDeleteSally is annoying me. I had to stop looking at the October 2010 birth club I was on before losing Jacob, partly because people were posting things like that. I just wanted to scream at them that a stretch mark is nothing, not fitting into a pair of pants is nothing, I just wanted them to stop being so petty. It drove me nuts that most of them didn't seem to realize how lucky they were that they were still pregnant.
Yeah Sally. Shut the fuck up. You don't know devestating until you've held your dead baby in your arms. Although I hope you never have to find out because if you find stretch marks 'devestating' you will certainly jump off the nearest bridge if it ever happened to you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I like Sally very much.
Oh Lara, please don't blame yourself. You didn't fail, I promise you! Some things are just out of our hands. :/
ReplyDeleteAnd as for Sally... I have one of those! She was pregnant at my daughter's funeral. Right in front of me afterwards at my parents' house she goes, "Ugh, I'm so sick of being pregnant. I was sick of it the second I peed on the stick!" REALLY?! In front of me right after my daughter's funeral, when I should still be pregnant for 15 more weeks and would give my life for her to be alive again?? Really?!?! People really suck. My so-called Sally doesn't understand why I avoid her and don't like her, and tells my cousin I don't get her sense of humor. Nice, right?
I'm sorry, on top of everything you're dealing with, that you have Sally to rub it in for you. :( Hugs to you, Lara.
You didn't fail Caleb! You did everything you could to protect him. I am sorry that your "friend" is so insensitive. Life really isn't fair. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI won't lie, I've wished stretch marks and such on annoying pregnant women. I hate it when people complain about their pregnancies, it sucks big time. Hang in there!
ReplyDeletelol, I had to laugh at the last line! I can relate. Not blaming ourselves is really hard and while that bill board wasn't originally intended for women who have been what we have been through - I wish they would THINK before blasting those things all over the place.
ReplyDeleteI recently came across your blog. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Caleb (love his name!). I lost my son Oliver when I was 19 weeks in May. I totally hear you on your post. It is SO hard to not feel like we failed at our job to carry a baby into this world. It sucks we have to deal with the rest of the woman out there who have blissful worry free pregnancies and have never come close to devastation. I look forward to following your blog.
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