Friday, May 7, 2010

Dead Baby Etiquette: A Fieldguide

I was so lucky this week to get to see two great friends and spend some time with them. They share one trait that made them wonderful to see: They asked about my baby.

I get that people don't know what to say, so they often don't say anything. That they might have questions, but don't want to make it upsetting for you, so they don't ask. That they think it's easier on you if they pretend it never happened.

But I love my baby. I want to talk about him, just like any new mother wants to talk about her baby. I want to tell his story. I want to share pictures. I want you to know him like I knew him, since you'll never get to meet him.

And both these friends did just that. They cooed over pictures and said how adorable he was (which isn't easy to do...he was a micro, micro, micro, micro preemie and not everyone can overlook that and see the cute little boy underneath). They both noticed his perfect little nose and long fingers. They both asked questions about him, about his birth. They both told me they didn't know why this had to happen to anyone. That it was unfair. That they were sorry.

Neither of them has ever lost a child, but they both managed to do exactly what I needed. And for that, I thank them from the bottom of my heart. Caleb does, too.


  1. Whew...that subject line scared me. I was worried that I was about to learn that I'd done something wrong.

    Looks like I'm in the clear.

  2. This was written perfectly! I hate it when people feel like that can't talk about our babies. Please. Let me talk about her!!

  3. Lara, Happy Mother's Day to you!

  4. Lara, thank you for leaving word at my place. I am so sorry that you had to find me because of our shared loss of our boys, of our Caleb's.

    You are right, it is a beautiful name. I rarely say it outloud because I want to keep it to myself.

    Having friends who aren't afraid of talking and sharing your memories of your Caleb, that's amazing. I hope they continue to surround you with that support.

    Go easy on yourself in the coming days, do what you need to for you and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

    I will be thinking of you and of your son, Caleb, on Mother's Day. I wish things would have been different for both of you. Oh, how I wish.


  5. This is very helpful. I miscarried at 12 weeks and today found out that my cousin lost her full term baby and I am devastated for her and don't know what to say.