Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Never the same

As I was walking my dog today, I was struck with a sudden and almost overwhelming sense of permanence. I knew that this was a forever thing, obviously. I'm not dumb. As much as I hope and dream and cross my fingers and pray and beg, I know that Caleb isn't going to magically be safe in my belly again. But today, it just hit me.

No matter what happens in the future, no matter how many kids I go on to have (hopefully a lot), I will always have a dead baby. This will always be a part of me. It's never going to go away. Every family picture ever taken from now on will always be one family member short, until the day I die. Even then, my funeral will be missing one mourner.

I am always going to be the mother of a baby who died. This is for always. I will always have the title of dead baby mama.

And I don't want it. I was okay with that title for a few weeks, but I don't want it anymore. Please, won't someone take it away from me? Take it back. I am not strong enough to have this be a part of me forever. I don't want to always be that person whose baby died.

I know I'll have other titles in life. Daughter, wife, friend, niece, cousin, hopefully mother again...Some will be just as important as being Caleb's mom. And they're all just as permanent.

But I don't want this one.


  1. Hi Lara,

    I lost my little one, Isla, last Monday and it seems like ages and ages ago. While I know I'll never have Isla back, it didn't occur to me that I'll always be a mother of a baby that died. I guess I knew deep down, but it hurts. I knew I'd always be "that girl" but I haven't yet reconciled that I was/am a mother. I guess that's all to say that you're not alone. Throughout all this, knowing this is one of the few things that comforts me. I hope it helps you a little.

  2. Oh man, this post definitely resonates with me right now. I feel like I get slapped in the face with that realization on a weekly basis. It just sucks. You aren't alone, love :)

    ps: I was thinking about visiting Caleb for memorial day, but then I realized that we'll be in San Diego then. Maybe I'll go down there this weekend before we leave... I can leave flowers at the bench, right?

  3. Yeah! I want to visit Olivia too when I finally make it over there to visit the bench.

    I'm kind of irritated...the memorial service is supposed to be twice a year in May and October and no one seems to know what's going on with it other than they don't have a date yet. GRRRR.