As I was walking my dog today, I was struck with a sudden and almost overwhelming sense of permanence. I knew that this was a forever thing, obviously. I'm not dumb. As much as I hope and dream and cross my fingers and pray and beg, I know that Caleb isn't going to magically be safe in my belly again. But today, it just hit me.
No matter what happens in the future, no matter how many kids I go on to have (hopefully a lot), I will always have a dead baby. This will always be a part of me. It's never going to go away. Every family picture ever taken from now on will always be one family member short, until the day I die. Even then, my funeral will be missing one mourner.
I am always going to be the mother of a baby who died. This is for always. I will always have the title of dead baby mama.
And I don't want it. I was okay with that title for a few weeks, but I don't want it anymore. Please, won't someone take it away from me? Take it back. I am not strong enough to have this be a part of me forever. I don't want to always be that person whose baby died.
I know I'll have other titles in life. Daughter, wife, friend, niece, cousin, hopefully mother again...Some will be just as important as being Caleb's mom. And they're all just as permanent.
But I don't want this one.