Tuesday, May 18, 2010

No one ever said life was fair

I think it goes without saying that I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate the catch in my throat that happens when I hear a newborn cry. I hate the way my heart stops when I catch sight of a pregnant woman. I hate the way tears well up behind my eyes when I open Facebook to yet another pregnancy announcement. I hate that my excitement for your pregnancy is overshadowed by jealousy. I hate having to turn the channel when a commercial for the newest NICU comes on. I hate the way that I sometimes STILL forget that I'm not pregnant and I hate the way I sometimes feel like I'll never be pregnant again. I hate looking at the calendar and realizing that in just two weeks I should be starting my third trimester. I hate that I missed out on having a stranger rub my belly or ask when I was due because the week I really "popped" my water broke. I hate that I was never woken up by baby kicks to the bladder. I hate that the paint I picked out to paint the nursery is just sitting there and that I'm not begging Chris to help me assemble a crib. I hate seeing cute baby clothes because my baby will never wear them. I hate that I didn't get to complain about how huge I got or how swollen my ankles were. I hate that I won't have a baby this year. I hate that I won't have a baby in my twenties. I hate having lost my innocence. I hate knowing next time I get a positive on a test, my excitement will be tempered with fear. I hate that I can say, "When I was pregnant..." but that if someone were to ask how old my baby was I would be forced to admit that I don't have a baby at home, just in my heart.

I hate this.

8 comments:

  1. I hate it too! For both of us! I am so sorry you are having a tough day. Praying for you today!

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  2. I hate it too! All the things we hate, and honestly, every one tries to cover it up with something positive. But there's nothing positive about what happened!
    I'm thinking of you a lot today. (((HUGS)))

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  3. You are not alone! I hate a ton of those you listed too. Life isn't fair, but I wish it was.

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  4. Amen, sister!!!! I could have written this post myself. This suuuucks.

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  5. I'm so sorry--I understand how you feel.

    This was the hardest part for me--realizing that this was my story, something that I would carry with me, and the magnitude of everything that I lost.

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  6. i hate it too dear. i'm so sorry. no words really make it any better...other than you're not alone. ((hugs)) --becca (aka writergirl)

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  7. I think that your feelings are completely normal...you're experiencing a lot of different emotions, from complete desolation, to extreme anger. It's a healthy way to deal.

    I can only hope that I will never fully understand how you're feeling. You know where to find me...(monkiem)

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